Why Women Talk So Much....

An extract taken from a wordpress site:

I don’t think I talk too much, but BS thinks otherwise. To him, I “talk differently”. That was probably his way of testing waters and it could mostly likely meant that I talk more than I have to, think more than I need to, seem to have a thousand problems going on at the same time when it isn’t the case at all – you know, the usual dilemma men have about women. Apparently women are difficult to be understood and even more difficult to please. On the other hand, I thought men can be quite dumb about the most obvious things and totally insensitive during crucial times. (Men, do forgive me for being so straightforward!)

Anyway, if you think that women really talk too much, talk irrelevantly, talk confusingly, you might as well find out why we do so. I feel so amused reading from the famous book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus (a Christmas present from Jellio). I actually discovered why I talk so much and how confused BS can get just by listening to me talk for a few minutes!

Below is a wonderful excerpt from the book in Chapter 3: Men Go to Their Caves and Women Talk.

“When a woman is stressed she instinctively feels a need to talk about her feelings and all the possible problems that are associated with her feelings. When she begins talking she does not prioritize the significance of any problem. If she is upset, then she is upset about it all, big and small. She is not immediately concerned with finding solutions to her problems but rather seeks relief by expressing herself and being understood. By randomly talking about her problems, she becomes less upset.

As a man under stress tends to focus on one problem and forget others, a woman under stress tends to expand and become overwhelmed by all problems. By talking about all possible problems without focusing on problem solving she feels better. Through exploring her feelings in this process she gains a greater awareness of what is really bothering her, and then suddenly she is no longer so overwhelmed.

To feel better, women talk about past problems, future problems, potential problems, even problems that have no solutions. The more talk and exploration, the better they feel. This is the way women operate. To expect otherwise is to deny a woman her sense of self.

When a woman is overwhelmed she finds relief through talking in great detail about her various problems. Gradually, if she feels she is being heard, her stress disappears. After talking about one topic she will pause and then move on to the next. In this way she continues to expand talking about problems, worries, disappointments, and frustrations. These topics need not be in any order and end to be logically unrelated. If she feels she is not being understood, her awareness may expand even further, and she may become upset about more problems.

Just as a man who is stuck in the cave needs little problems to distract him, a woman who doesn’t feel heard will need to talk about other problems that are less immediate to feel relief. To forget her own painful feelings she may become emotionally involved in the problems of others. In addition she may find relief through discussing the problems of her friends, relatives, and associates. Whether she is talking about her problems or others’ problems, talking is a natural and healthy Venusian reaction to stress.“

So next time when we talk about anything and everything under the sun, kindly bear with us coz it’s our natural way to de-stress. Or at least, pretend to be listening. But be reminded that we are so sensitive we most probably know that you are not listening at all and then go on to erupt like a volcano, making matters worse from where they first started.

Hehe… awful I know, but this is just too bad. Please blame the X chromosome

Stress Relief: the Cave of Solitude

Men and women cope with stress VERY differently. Men tend to become increasingly focused and withdrawn, while women become increasingly overwhelmed and emotionally involved. Men feel better by solving their problems and women feel better by talking about them

That is because martians are cavemen at heart A man will retreat to his cave (deep, deep in his cave…) to find a solution to his problem. And he will become so focused on solving his problem that he will temporarily lose awareness of everything else. This translates into becoming distant, forgetful and preoccupied. After all, Martians feel good about themselves when they accomplish goals themselves; there is no reason to bother anyone else. When he does solve his problem, he’ll feel better and reemerge from his cave.

If he can’t find a solution, he will remain stuck in the save. To become unstuck – and to help him focus better – he may solve problems of a smaller degree to help him forget the bigger problem. For example, he may read the news, exercise, etc.

How Women Feel About the Cave
In three words : We hate it

That’s because we feel ignored by his withdrawing and powerless that we can’t “hear a man out” to make him feel better. (Remmeber, it’s all about perspective. For a woman, hearing her out would be helping her). Not talking to her is hurtful because she feels that he doesn’t love her.

Stress Relief: When Women Talk
When women are stressed out, they like to talk. It relaxes and makes a woman feel good when she feels someone is there to listen to her. Men, however, may feel that the woman is blaming him. Because men talk about problems for only two reasons: they are blaming someone or seeking a solution.

Ah, that explains so much

Very simple, ladies: just tell your man that you talk when you are upset because it is a way of siphoning out all those overwhelming emotions, frustration and anger. Once you are emotionally stable, you can deal with your problems. All he has to do is listen and sympathize. (And you may want to add that “listening” translates to “undivided attention” in Venesian).

A few reasons why men get frustrated by our venting sessions:

1. They become impatient by details because they feel that they are necessary to solve the problem. And since men are problem-solvers, they are trying hard to keep up with all of the gibberish we spit out. (Although, I felt like this totally didn’t apply to me…unnecessary details are my pet peeve).

2. He assumes that there is a logical order to the ranting. It’s hard to link up all of the different problems. They are not related at all, in fact.

3. He is looking for the bottom line.

As a woman, we know how we work. Explain the concept of talking to your husband Let him know that when you’re upset about something, it reminds you of other problems and suddenly you’re incredibly overwhelmed by everything. All you need is a good ear and some sympathy.

Practice

Next time your hubby goes to the cave, let him Realize he’s just trying to work though a problem and when he’s ready, he’ll come out. In the mean time, go shopping, listen to a lecture…have some girl time

Also, if your hubby is acting like a space cadet, it’s probably because he’s stressed. Ask him point blank. Makes things easier.

[This is not me talking like an Agony Uncle, its taken from Peeps who have had experience on the Marriage front]

Random Q from a Man - What does it mean.....

Q: When your husband says he’s had a tough day at work, what do you think you should do?

A) Leave him alone and not talk about it.
B) Ask him, “How do you feel?”
C) Tell him you have faith in him
D) Make suggestions and tell him how he can make the problem better


If you chose “C” then congratulations! You have and inkling of what the hell guys are thinking. When guys have a problem, they feel like they have to figure it out for themselves. Solving a problem for a man fulfills what he likes most which is to feel like “a man.” So when a women tries to help a man solve his problem, he feels weak and… girly. Though when a women tells their man that they can solve the problem, men feel like Superman and can do anything.

IF YOU DIDN’T CHOSE “C” THEN GET A CUP OF COFFEE AND PAY ATTENTION!

I’m about you tell you 13 THINGS YOU DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT GUYS.

1. Men like to say, “I love you” on their own time. Don’t nag them until they say it.
2. They’ll do anything for sex. Yes, even marrying you.
3. They dig long hair.
4. When women speak softly, men like to listen.
5. Guys hate arguing. They’d rather compromise.
6. Men admit that they need to be told “no” sometimes. Not all the time, but once in awhile.
7. Don’t ask a man what he thinks of your outfits unless you can handle what he’s going to say. Don’t make it hard for them.
8. The angrier you are with them for staring at other women, the more they stare.
9. When women are happy, men want to please women.
10. If men think they can’t make women happy, they feel less like a man.
11. Men expect women to be ready when they pick them up.
12. Cigarettes make women look cheap and easy.
13. Men are scared to let women into their hearts, because they are afraid to be taken advantage of.
So there you are. 13 things you didn’t know before!

Manufacturing a Match Made in Heaven

This is an article I read today and it made for interesting reading especially being a 2nd Generation Muslim in the UK, I can definitely relate to this:

Manufacturing a Match Made in Heaven

Yesterday at 2:18am

So here's a random thought.

I think a lot of Muslim marriages are slapped together on this metaphorical production line. As they whizz down the line the different parts are primed and trimmed, they get their coat of spray paint and eventually they're stuck together. They mostly work, but maybe for a long time people are not sure if the end product will stand the test of time. Sometimes they only work because they have to. After a while the cheap coat of shiny spray paint peels off revealing the true colours of the constituent parts; they're not always the prettiest underneath.

Poor build quality is not uncommon, various cracks exist beneath the surface. Parts are prone to break easily and people generally lack the competency and patience to piece things back together. Few understand how to use the trouble-shooting manual that comes free with each product; it is after all in a different language. The novelty wears out quickly and people envy the latest designs on the market. With the slightest scuff or scratch people are quick to rush to the manufacturer and too often they find their way back to the factory to find a replacement. Sometimes broken parts will be recycled but sadly, more often than not, broken pieces are quickly forgotten about.

I guess you used to find a lot of little family run production lines, each offering unique customisations, service with a smile. Increasingly there are fewer and fewer of these, instead we are seeing the dominance of more and more mass production lines.



(Still with me?)

So the picture you can see here is probably the most random image I have pulled off Google. The punch bowl on the right came off a production line, the one on the left is hand made.

I guess they both fulfil the function they're designed for, but there is a value to the handmade one that you cannot really put a price to. Painstakingly, with so much care to detail that bowl was put together. Only the people who made the bowl (and the little cups) know its true value. There's nothing else like it. It is the imperfections that make it perfect, as opposed to the machine made bowl whose pseudo-perfection renders it worthless in comparison to the handmade.

British Muslims in their twenties are met by a plethora of challenges as they face the prospect of getting married. There are various obstacles to manoeuvre around, each compounding and intertwining with the other. The fusion of our tangled British identity with our parents Asian/Arab/African culture presents one such challenge, this is clouded by the general confusion that surrounds the whole marriage process, and how best to ‘approach things. Further complicating matters is our inability to separate the (not always bad, but often skewed) Hollywood, Bollywood and Disney images and expectations of love and marriage that have been imprinted on us. We also have to be honest about the streaks of emotional immaturity and lack of wisdom and foresight that taint our relationships (men plagued by this moreso) as well as well as our mental fragility and deficit in our psycho-social prowess to deal with life changes in general (women ever so slightly more)

Most importantly, however, is the weakness of our Islamic grounding and our relative distrust with what we know to be the loftiest principles to which we should choose our partners.

I apologise for focusing on the bleaker side of things, in any case, the resolution?

With ever increasing divorce rates, prevalence of hostile domestic environments, unidentified masses of empty shell marriages, as well as a scary rise in the number of unmarried Muslims in their late twenties and thirties; we are yet to find model solutions to the marital conundrums that afflict generations of Muslims in Britain. The issues are real and aren’t going away, and it can only be enriching to reflect upon how we each stand in relation to them.

At least on an individual level, before going about finding a partner we need to appreciate that each and every one of us are misshaped, quirky pieces with our own unique history. The conventional assembly line marriage machines may give the illusion of a shiny flawlessness counterpart, but know that no two pieces fit together exactly, in fact there is a third piece in this jigsaw.

The Master Craftsman in His Wisdom created us with our bumps and flaws. But know that regardless of how misshapen you are, you can ‘fit’ into His Divine jigsaw piece; the way of the best of creation (peace and blessings upon him,) the way of al-Islam. I read once, that “your heart should be so close to God, that one must seek Him in order to find you.” The issues and challenges that surround getting married are plentiful and complex, but what we are charged with is to work on ourselves: “Truly, God does not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves.” (Quran 13:11)

One of the surest ways of securing a fruitful and happy married life is to develop a deep and wholesome understanding and grounding in Islam, this coupled with a constant beautifying of your character. A believer loves and is loved easily. Early 21st century psychologists explored how young Men look for wives that resemble the endearing qualities of their mothers. Taking a step further we can look to the beautiful nature of the Mothers of the Believers, the wives of the Prophet (peace be upon them.) Often you will see brothers gazing into the distance, saying “I want to find my ‘Khadijah’... my ‘Ayesha’...” But what they fail to realise that they first must become as ‘Muhammadi’ as they can, embodying the best of men (peace and blessings be upon him,) before hoping to find such a gem of a woman. Expect your partner to be nothing but a reflection of you and your state, after all “A believer is a mirror to another believer”

Prophetic tradition recognises the important role that beauty, attraction, wealth and family background play when choosing a life partner. But what is stressed beyond everything else is ‘Deen – (piety)’ and ‘Akhlaq – (character)’. We read in numerous hadith that one of the most desirable character traits in a partner is that of God consciousness; that a pious partner is the most valuable treasure on this earth. What is interesting, however, is the mentioning of character; that decorating a secure Islamic foundation is the subtleties of one’s personality. We cannot underestimate this issue of compatibility, and this is where seeking the counsel from family and friends plays an integral role in giving an objective, detached perspective.

Rumi once wrote “if you are irritated by every rub, how will you be polished?” Just like the time and effort put into the handmade punch bowls, the sincere tears, the nights in prayer and the days fasting adds a unique and deep value to your persona. It’s easy in the confusion of it all to feel disconnected from Allah, but remember it is in these moments when He's inviting you to Him.

Ibn Ata illah wrote:

"If you make intense supplication
and the timing of the answer is delayed,
do not despair of it.
His reply to you is guaranteed;
but in the way He chooses,
not the way you choose,
and at the moment He desires,
not the moment you desire."


Remember this path we find ourselves on is a well-trodden one. After striving to better yourself, put your trust in your Creator for truly “Allah loves those who put their trust (in Him)” (Quran 3:159)

Meet the Parents Desi Style

There is a time in a mans life when he has to just cringe and bear the experience when things are not quiet in his control.

This time is no more evident than when he or his family find a suitable prospective and the the first meeting between the parents is pending...tick tock, tick tock!

Well you have to face it, its two parties not knowing anything about the other, the guys parents will want the Queen Sheba and the girls parents would want King of Oman on their doorsteps, so as you can expect, expectations are high and the odd adrenalin and stress rush in up a notch coming into the day.

Think are even more difficult if you like the girl and then the parents are introduced at a later stage, that is called in trading strategy as a Bull who has an appetite of a risk prone Del Boy!

This situation can play mind games on the hardest of Men folk (which for obvious reason I am, understandably I can see from the nodding in agreement from the avid readers of the blogg - if they know me that is).

Parents have expectations and that you cannot deny them. They want the best for their children and when they see their sons and daughters growing up to become Men and Women of the World it is natural they don't want anything tarnishing the lives of their beloved, so they do a lot of due diligence to mitigate the risks.

Due Diligence in my neck of the woods coming from a Bangladeshi sub Continent background means the following:

-Assessment of the quality and potential issues or risks with the counterparty (Is she or he "functional"?)

-Any Sub-prime counterparty risk (this equates to if the female or male have been upto no good)

-Assess the quality and risk of the parent and sibling counterparty and exposure (This can be in many form, looking at previous records of transactions from well known credit worthy families or people alike) I must add the past is by far no way an accurate predictor of the future but nevertheless it is a trend that needs to be taken into account).

My parents have always had it in mind that for quality inspections to be of a well informed variety, the prospective bride and her family are to come from the same side of Bangladesh almost to the point that they cannot be from a 10 mile radius. Well that would work really well if I was in Sylhet, in my forefathers backyard, but it is a very different kettle of fish when its in cosmopolitan city of London. Though they are very different now and coming to terms with geography back home and how it has little impact today.

I suppose I can see from their point of view as, someone in Tyneside may speak and act very differently to someone in Hampstead Heath. It comes down to what you know and have experienced, and thats what fears are built up on - the lack of.

-Whether the two counterparties can agree on a deal and come to compromises (There should not be a dominant counterparty that rules or else that will drive the lesser counterparty into submission)

-Look for tell tale signs of the behaviour at the meeting of parents and families of other folks, do they appear "normal" or does something appear rather "strange"?

- First impressions and feeling I think count a lot, its what nurture has built within our individual core due to past experiences so should def not be neglected. Take note and substantiate I say on these feeling esp. if they are negative.

Traditions and Customs - Sudan

With the wedding season taking a welcome break due to Ramadan, thought it be best to have a good reflection of the various customs and traditions of Marriages around the World.

With that in mind I came across an article on the BBC pretty random I must say before any of those reading get ideas. Without giving too much away, on the record, you have to definitely pay for your just deserts as times must be tough for the men in Sudan!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/africa/4748292.stm

Wisdom and thought...Qs and As

Over the years and months, when a new proposal entered my fold, it was a breath of fresh air and then as each one came and went it was like a roller coaster. One day I say this roller coaster will end. Until then I thought I need to diagnose what it is that stops me from moving forward on a proposal.

A few of these Q's always arise...

-Would I like the sister in a few years time or even months?
-Will I be able to make her happy (truly)?
-Will she be able to make me really happy and more so content?
-Will she fit in with my lifestyle?
-Would she be willing to change for me?
-Would I need to change significantly for her?
-How would she be able to cope with me in my darkest of moods?
-Will she get on with my sisters and my parents?
-She is very different from my sisters, is that an issue?
-She is more practicing then I and is more than my sisters will that be a clash?

The more I leave to think about things, the more Q's I always had. I realised up to now that those Q's do no mean a thing, as a special sister I had met recently gave me advice about suspected "doubts" one has about marriage and partner selection:

The advice was something along the lines of:
If you have suspected doubts let them only be if they caste doubts to those Q's below:

- What is the reason you are getting married? Is it to please Allah (swt)?
- Would this partner help you to bring you closer to the Almighty and to help you complete half of your deen?
- Would this person want to increase their deen with you and ultimately want to please Allah (swt) above everything else?

Well the questions are very simple and the answers are even more clearer when you have faith in Allah (swt).

I have misunderstood the sanciity of marriage in the true Islamic spirit and Insha'Allah may this be a guide to those who read this. Be sincere to oneself, be honest with oneself and to your Lord, totally submit to your Lord for guidance and your Lord will not fail you.