“Do Muslims Beat Their Wives?”

“Do Muslims Beat Their Wives?”
Compiled by Yusuf Estes
Answer – “NO” Special Update: Islam Forbids All Oppression

Source: ISLAM—World’s Greatest Religion!Entries (RSS)Comments (RSS)HomeIslam —- World’s Greatest Religion ! Posted by: KING-slave of ALLAH ! on: April 25, 2010

Women Treatment in Islam

We receive many questions about the treatment of women in Islam in general and what Muslim men do with their wives in particular. The following should help to shed some light on this most important subject.

Question:
I have a question about the treatment of the women in Islam. Could you please tell us why the Quran tells men to “Beat them” meaning their wives?” [Noble Quran 4:34]

Answer:
Let us consider a very basic understanding of the advent of Islam and the reason for it to be revealed in the time and place where it came. Here is a brief, yet clear statement of purpose with the coming of Islam:

Treatment in Relationships – in Islam, it is all about treatment; how you treat your Lord; how you treat His messenger; how you treat yourself; how you treat your family; how you treat others; how you treat your enviornment – it is always about treatement.

We must keep in mind the condition of the people who were without the guidance of Almighty God and how they had strayed far away from the message that came with Adam, Abraham, Moses and other great prophets, peace be upon them all.

The ignorant and selfish mentality the prevailed throughout the Arab lands did not allow women even the most basic of rights and the treatment of women was abhorent. Women were being treated as property, even less than the status of livestock. They were offered in trade or taken in marriage without consent or consideration for their feelings at all. The customs of the people at the time were far away from anything we might imagine today.

Statements in the Quran pertaining to the treatment of the women came to improve their condition and to raise their status to a level of balance alongside of men. Islam came to change the hearts of the people and show them the proper way to worship Allah and to interact with each other.

Now let us review the proper method of providing answers for Islam in general.

First we would say, “Thank you for asking about Islam. It is our committment to try our best to provide answers to questions to the best of our ability. However, sometimes we come across questions for which we do not have answers. In this case we will refer you to others who may be able to provide you with proper answers.”

Second, we remind ourselves and the one questioning Islam to be aware, we as Muslims, must never lie about anything, especially our religion.

Third, we do have the original text of the Quran and the preserved teachings of Muhammad, peace be upon him. This enables us to verify exactly what was said, intended and taught by Muhammad, peace be upon him, as being the religion of Islam.

Fourth, I would like to remind myself and all who read this in the future that not all questions are purely questions. Some contain statements and implications, that may or may not be true.

Finally, it is important to keep in mind anytime we discover something in the answers to actually be better than what we already have, we should be committed to change our position and accept that which is true over that which is false and take that which is better for that which is inferior.

After taking all of the above into consideration, if we find that the answer to this question provides us with a better approach to understanding what Almighty God has provided us with as a way of life on this earth and in the Next Life, we should then make the logical decsion to begin to worship Him on His terms.

Having said that, let us now look to the particular verse in question in the original text (Arabic), followed by the phonetic sounds in Latin letters and then finally, followed by a translation of the meaning to the English language by experts in both Arabic and in Quranic meanings.

Arabic:

ٱلرِّجَالُ قَوَّٲمُونَ عَلَى ٱلنِّسَآءِ بِمَا فَضَّلَ ٱللَّهُ بَعۡضَهُمۡ عَلَىٰ بَعۡضٍ۬ وَبِمَآ أَنفَقُواْ مِنۡ أَمۡوَٲلِهِمۡ‌ۚ فَٱلصَّـٰلِحَـٰتُ قَـٰنِتَـٰتٌ حَـٰفِظَـٰتٌ۬ لِّلۡغَيۡبِ بِمَا حَفِظَ ٱللَّهُ‌ۚ وَٱلَّـٰتِى تَخَافُونَ نُشُوزَهُنَّ فَعِظُوهُنَّ وَٱهۡجُرُوهُنَّ فِى ٱلۡمَضَاجِعِ وَٱضۡرِبُوهُنَّ‌ۖ فَإِنۡ أَطَعۡنَڪُمۡ فَلَا تَبۡغُواْ عَلَيۡہِنَّ سَبِيلاً‌ۗ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ كَانَ عَلِيًّ۬ا ڪَبِيرً۬ا (٣٤)

Transliteration

Ar-rejalu qawwa muna ‘alan-nisa’a bima fadhdhallahu ba’dhahum ‘ala bi’dhi wa bima anfaqu min amwalihim. Fas-saliHatu qaintat HafaTHatul-lilghaybi bimaa HafiTHal-lahu, wal-lati takhafuna nushuza hunna fa’iTHuu hunna wa hjuruu hunna fiil-lmadha ji’i wadhribu hunna. Fa’in aTa’nakum flaa tabghuu ‘alayhinna sabiilan. Innal-laha kaana ‘aliyaan kabiira(n).

One Explanation (tafsir) given of this surahc (chapter 4:34) according to some scholars is:

“Men are the support of women as God gives some more means than others, and because they spend of their wealth (to provide for them). So women who are virtuous are obedient to God and guard the hidden as God has guarded it. As for women who are averse in behavior, talk to them suasively, leave them alone in bed and tap them (like a doctor would tap a patient – lightly), if they open out to you, do not seek an excuse for blaming them. Surely God is sublime and great.”

Meaning of the Words

For the three words fa’izu, wahjaru, and wadribu in the original, translated here ‘talk to them suasively,’ ‘leave them alone (in bed – fi’l-madage’),’ and tap lightly (percuss them), respectively,

Fa’izu (to use persuasive speech or admonishment)

Fa’izu, implies the first step should be to make clear to them using straight talk, the position they are in and what is required to comply with the teaching of Islam. This approach may be repeated until it is established she has understood and is willing to comply and come back into line with the proper expected of a Muslim woman.

Hajara – Wahjaru (do not touch or molest them)

Hajara, he says, means to separate body from body, and points out that the expression wahjaru hunna metaphorically means to refrain from touching or molesting them. Zamakhshari is more explicit in his Kshshaf when he says, ‘do not get inside their blankets.’

Daraba (tap lightly as ‘percuss’, not to beat)

Daraba lightly tap them (women).’ This view is strengthened by the Prophet’s authentic hadith found in a number of authorities, including Bukhari and Muslim:

“Could any of you beat your wife as he would a slave, and then lie with her in the evening?”

There are other traditions in Abu Da’ud, Nasa’i, Ibn Majah, Ahmad bin Hanbal and others, to the effect that he forbade the beating of any woman, saying:

“Never beat God’s handmaidens.”

Source:Al-Quran: a contemporary translation by Ahmed Ali, Princeton University Press, 1988; pp78-79

In the past, some translators of this verse have mistakeningly used the word “beat” to represent the word “dhaaraba” in Arabic. This is not the opinion of all scholars and those who are well grounded in both Islam understanding and the English language.

Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend from their means (to support the women). Therefore the righteous women are devout and guard in the husband’s absence what Allah orders them to guard (e.g. their chastity, their husband’s property, etc.). As to those women on whose part you see ill-conduct, admonish them (first), (next), refuse to share their beds, go back to them (in intimacy), if they return to obedience and do not seek any means of annoyance against them. Certainly, Allah is Most High, Most Great. [Noble Quran 4:34]

Other translators have offered words such as, “tap” and “pat” to represent a physical type of admonisment. While definitely coming closer to what might be acceptable in many circles than such expressions as “hit” or “beat”, this still does not properly demonstrate the position and usage of such terms in relation to the first of the verse and the connection to the following passage, wherein the clear instructions deal with the women who do not come into compliance. Therefore, it likely be considered to mean: “tap lightly as a doctor would examine a patient”.

We understand from this some of the translations are not properly representing the spirit of the meaning. Therefore, they cannot be considered to be the representation of what has been intended by Almighty God.

Now we can properly understand that Almighty God has commanded the men to provide for the women and allow them to keep all of their wealth, inheritance and income without demanding anything from them for support and maintenance. Additionally, if she should be guilty of lewd or indecent conduct, the husband is told to first, admonish her and then she should cease this lewdness. However, if she should continue in this indecency, then he should no longer share the bed with her, and this would continue for a period of time. Finally, if she would repent then he would take up sharing the bed with her again.

Dr. Jamal Badawi (St. Mary’s University, Nova Scotia) is of the opinion these (three stages) are necessary steps prior to divorce. Instead of a man saying, “I divorce you” three times in a row, he should follow this procedure before acting hastily and thereby doing something unwise and displeasing to Allah.

The first step would be as mentioned above, to give her a “good talking to” and then if she continued in such unpleasing behavior, to leave the bed (not have intercourse with her) for a period of time and then finally, the last straw would be to “pat” her on the arm (as you would stroke a sheep or animal) to signify to her this is the final straw and then if she still persisted in her bad way, he could divorce her.

Regardless of the various positions and opinions, there is no permission established through the teachings of the Quran or the Sunnah (way) of Muhammad, peace be upon him, wherein one person could “beat” another person at their own discretion.

Any translations of the Quran indicating women can be beaten or abused by men is totally out of touch with the message of Islam from the rest of the Quran and the teachings of Muhammad, peace be upon him.

And Allah is All Knowing of the meanings of His ayahs (verses in Quran).

Jelousy

Anas said:

"The Prophet, sall'Allaahu alaihi wa salam, was with one of the Mothers of the Believers when another one sent a wooden bowl in which was some food. She struck the hand of the Prophet and the bowl fell and broke. The Prophet picked up the two pieces and put them together, then he started to gather up the food and said: "Your mother got jealous; eat." So they ate. He waited until she brought the wooden bowl that was in her house, then he gave the sound bowl to the messenger and left the broken bowl in the house of the one who had broken it."

(Sahih)

COMMENTS from this narration we learn patience with wives. Imagine a man today whose wife smacked his hand causing him to drop something that belonged to someone else. How would the average person behave in such a case? Also, it demonstrates justice, since he, sall'Allaahu alaihi wa salam, took one of her bowls to replace the broken one. Lastly, no man can hope for a wife equal to 'AAishah, radhi Allaahu anha, and she was a woman. So take note.

It was narrated that 'Aaishah, radhi Allaahu anha, said:

"I never saw any woman who made food like Safiyyah. She sent a dish to the Prophet, sall'Allaahu alaihi wa salam, in which was some food, and I could not keep myself from breaking it. I asked the Prophet, sall'Allaahu alaihi wa salam, what the expiation was for that, and he saidL "A dish like that dish, and food like that food."

(Hasan)

A Wife

A Wife

By getting married you are not just getting a wife, you are getting your whole world. From now until the rest of your days your wife will be your partner, your companion, and your best friend.

She will share your moments, your days, and your years. She will share your joys and sorrows, your successes and failures, your dreams and your fears. When you are ill, she will take the best care of you; when you need help, she will do all she can for you; when you have a secret, she will keep it; when you need advice, she will give you the best advice. She will always be with you: when you wake up in the morning the first thing your eyes will see will be hers; during the day, she will be with you, if for some time she is not with you by her physical body, she will be thinking of you, praying for you with all her heart, mind, and soul; when you go to sleep at night, the last thing your eyes will see will be her; and when you are asleep you will still see her in your dreams. In short, she will be your whole world and you will be her whole world.

The best description that I personally have ever read describing the closeness of the spouses to each other is the Qur'anic verse which says:

"They are your garments and you are their garments."

(Surah Al Baqarah 2:187).

Indeed, spouses are like garments to each other because they provide one another with the protection, the comfort, the cover, the support, and the adornment that garments provide to humans. Just imagine a journey in the winter of Alaska without garments! Our spouses provide us with the same level of comfort, protection, cover, and support in the journey of our lives on this earth as garments would do in the Alaskan journey.

The relationship between the spouses is the most amazing of all human relations: the amount of love and affection, intimacy and closeness, mercy and compassion, peace and tranquillity that fills the hearts of the spouses is simply inexplicable. The only rational explanation for these most amazing of all human feelings is that: it is an act of Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala,

"And Allah has made for you Mates (and Companions of your own nature ..."

Surah Al Nahl 16:72)

Only our Almighty Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala in His Infinite Power, Boundless Mercy, and Great Wisdom can create and ingrain these amazing and blessed feelings in the hearts of the spouses. In fact Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala is reminding those who search for His signs in the universe that these feelings in the hearts of the spouses are among the signs that should guide humans to His existence as He says in the Qur'an,

"And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves that you may dwell in tranquillity with them and He has put love and mercy between your hearts: verily in that are signs for those who reflect."

(Surah Al Rum 30:21)

But Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala knows that the human heart is not a static entity, it is sometimes weak and at times dynamic. Feelings can and do change with time. Love may wither and fade away. The marital bond might weaken if not properly cared for. Happiness in marriage cannot be taken for granted; continuous happiness requires constant giving from both sides. For the tree of marital love to remain alive and keep growing, the soil has to be sustained, maintained, watered and nurtured.

Remember that our Prophet Muhammad Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam had found the time to go out to the desert and race with his wife Aisha. She outran him but later after she had gained some weight, he outran her. Remember that the Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam took his wife to watch the young Ethiopians playing and dancing their folk dances. The show of emotions is necessary to keep the marital bond away from rusting and disintegrating. Remember that you will be rewarded by Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala for any emotions you show to your wife as the Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam said "One would be rewarded for anything that he does seeking the pleasure of Allah even the food that he puts in the mouth of his wife"

Never underestimate the importance of seemingly little things as putting food in your wife's mouth, opening the car door for her, etc. Remember that the Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam used to extend his knee to his wife to assist her up to ride the camel.

Try to always find some time for both of you to pray together. Strengthening the bond between you and Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala is the best guarantee that your own marital bond would always remain strong. Having peace with Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala will always result in having more peace at home.

Remember that the Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam gave glad tidings for those couples who wake up at night to pray together. The Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam even urged the spouse who rises up first to wake the other spouse up, even by splashing cold water on his/her face.

Always try your best to be good to your wife by words and by deeds. Talk to her, smile to her, seek her advice, ask for her opinion, spend quality time with her and always remember that the Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam said,

"The best of you are those who are best to their wives"

Finally, it is common that spouses vow to love and honor their spouses until death do them part. I do believe that this vow is good or even great, but not enough! It is not enough that you love your wife. You have to love what she loves as well. Her family, her loved ones must also become your loved ones. Don't be like my colleague who was unhappy about his wife's parents coming to visit for few weeks. He candidly said to her "I don't like your parents." Naturally she angrily looked at him straight in the eye and said, "I don't like yours either." Also, it is not enough that you love her until death do you part. Love should never end and we do believe there is life after death where those who did righteousness in this world will be joined by their spouses (Surah Al Zukhruf 43:70) and offsprings.

The best example in this regard is the Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam whose love for Khadija, his wife of 25 years, extended to include all those she loved; this love of his continued even after her death. It was many years after her death and he never forgot her and whenever a goat was slaughtered in his house he would send portions of it to Khadija's family and friends and whenever he felt that the visitor at the door might be Khadija's sister Hala, he would pray saying, "O Allah let it be Hala."

[Source; Email Distribution, just so I don't lose this, I have posted this on the blogg)

Discovering Mars..

Discovering Mars Posted by a Sister on her bloggger site on: http://ummibraheem.wordpress.com/2009/10/05/discovering-mars/

Below is the full article:

I figure writing about Martians would make sense as they are the ones I want to understand

One thing I repeatedly hear from my husband is that just because he is quiet does not mean he’s ignoring me. When I talk and he doesn’t reply or even acknowledge that I’ve spoken, that is a good thing. Why? Because martians are Mr. Fix Its.

Let me explain. On Mars, power, efficiency, competency and achievements are valued.

Their sense of self is defined by their ability to achieve results.

Men are more interested in objects and things rather than people and feelings. For example, while a woman may fantasize about romance, men fantasize about powerful gadgets (I tried not to laugh at that…

Another thing that I discovered – It is important to them that they achieve these goals by themselves. The #1 mistake a woman can make is giving a man unsolicited advice or correcting them - which, simply put, can come across as telling them what to do

A man may feel offended by unsolicited advice because he feels that the woman doesn’t trust his ability to do it himself. It can make him feel incompetent, weak and unloved.

On Mars, you rarely talk to others about your problems. Why ask someone else when you can do it yourself? If a Martian does need help, he’ll ask an expert in the area. And the other Martian, honored by the request for help, will quickly put on his Mr. Fix It hat, access the situation and give his professional advice. It’s quite simple, actually (if your brain just works in logical equations and not emotional ones).

And THAT is why a man will stay quiet even after you have finished talking, because he is trying to come up with solutions to your problems. That is his way of showing love.

When women react by getting frustrated at their lack of sympathy/empathy, Martians react negatively because they feel that their advice is rejected and in turn, they feel useless.

Here on Venus
Initially, I wasn’t even going to write about our point of view, but I realized that it’s important to so that we can understand ourselves (if we don’t already!) and also so that we can explain to our spouses in words they can understand why we behave the way we do

Simply put: Martians are goal oriented, whereas Venesians are relationship oriented.

Women are intuitive and they pride themselves on being considerate of others’ needs and feelings. While Martians may be irritated or offended by advice that wasn’t asked for, Venesians consider it a great sign of love.

While the motto of Martians is: “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”, Vensias believe that everything has potential for improvement. Hence wives always trying to subconsciously (or consciously!) improve their husbands

A big tipper for guys: women don’t talk to get solutions. Well, sometimes they do, but when we are emotional and upset and seem to be blabbering about all kinds of junk, it’s because we want someone to listen. Plain and simple As I tell my husband, it’s therapeutic.

So we learned that Martians are problem solving Mr. Fix Its and Venesians are people loving Home Improbers. There’s nothing wrong with that; we’re just wired that way

Women need to remember that unsolicited advice or criticism, especially if the guy’s made a mistake, make him feel unloved and controlled. Men need to remember that when women seem upset and they are talking about ther problems, it is not the time to offer solutions. Instead, she just needs to be heard and she will gradually feel better on her own.

PRACTICE!
If you are a woman, practice not giving advice or criticism for a week. I know this is really difficult (being a woman), so maybe talking less in general may help (hmm…that seems to be even harder… ) To help, here are some phrases to try and avoid:

1.“You should call a plumber. He’ll know what to do.”
2.“You should spend more time with the kids. They miss you.”
3.“You forgot to bring it home again. Maybe you could put it in a special place where you can remember it.”
4.“Abdullah called for the third time. When are you going to call him back?”
See you next week!

Why Women Talk So Much....

An extract taken from a wordpress site:

I don’t think I talk too much, but BS thinks otherwise. To him, I “talk differently”. That was probably his way of testing waters and it could mostly likely meant that I talk more than I have to, think more than I need to, seem to have a thousand problems going on at the same time when it isn’t the case at all – you know, the usual dilemma men have about women. Apparently women are difficult to be understood and even more difficult to please. On the other hand, I thought men can be quite dumb about the most obvious things and totally insensitive during crucial times. (Men, do forgive me for being so straightforward!)

Anyway, if you think that women really talk too much, talk irrelevantly, talk confusingly, you might as well find out why we do so. I feel so amused reading from the famous book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus (a Christmas present from Jellio). I actually discovered why I talk so much and how confused BS can get just by listening to me talk for a few minutes!

Below is a wonderful excerpt from the book in Chapter 3: Men Go to Their Caves and Women Talk.

“When a woman is stressed she instinctively feels a need to talk about her feelings and all the possible problems that are associated with her feelings. When she begins talking she does not prioritize the significance of any problem. If she is upset, then she is upset about it all, big and small. She is not immediately concerned with finding solutions to her problems but rather seeks relief by expressing herself and being understood. By randomly talking about her problems, she becomes less upset.

As a man under stress tends to focus on one problem and forget others, a woman under stress tends to expand and become overwhelmed by all problems. By talking about all possible problems without focusing on problem solving she feels better. Through exploring her feelings in this process she gains a greater awareness of what is really bothering her, and then suddenly she is no longer so overwhelmed.

To feel better, women talk about past problems, future problems, potential problems, even problems that have no solutions. The more talk and exploration, the better they feel. This is the way women operate. To expect otherwise is to deny a woman her sense of self.

When a woman is overwhelmed she finds relief through talking in great detail about her various problems. Gradually, if she feels she is being heard, her stress disappears. After talking about one topic she will pause and then move on to the next. In this way she continues to expand talking about problems, worries, disappointments, and frustrations. These topics need not be in any order and end to be logically unrelated. If she feels she is not being understood, her awareness may expand even further, and she may become upset about more problems.

Just as a man who is stuck in the cave needs little problems to distract him, a woman who doesn’t feel heard will need to talk about other problems that are less immediate to feel relief. To forget her own painful feelings she may become emotionally involved in the problems of others. In addition she may find relief through discussing the problems of her friends, relatives, and associates. Whether she is talking about her problems or others’ problems, talking is a natural and healthy Venusian reaction to stress.“

So next time when we talk about anything and everything under the sun, kindly bear with us coz it’s our natural way to de-stress. Or at least, pretend to be listening. But be reminded that we are so sensitive we most probably know that you are not listening at all and then go on to erupt like a volcano, making matters worse from where they first started.

Hehe… awful I know, but this is just too bad. Please blame the X chromosome

Stress Relief: the Cave of Solitude

Men and women cope with stress VERY differently. Men tend to become increasingly focused and withdrawn, while women become increasingly overwhelmed and emotionally involved. Men feel better by solving their problems and women feel better by talking about them

That is because martians are cavemen at heart A man will retreat to his cave (deep, deep in his cave…) to find a solution to his problem. And he will become so focused on solving his problem that he will temporarily lose awareness of everything else. This translates into becoming distant, forgetful and preoccupied. After all, Martians feel good about themselves when they accomplish goals themselves; there is no reason to bother anyone else. When he does solve his problem, he’ll feel better and reemerge from his cave.

If he can’t find a solution, he will remain stuck in the save. To become unstuck – and to help him focus better – he may solve problems of a smaller degree to help him forget the bigger problem. For example, he may read the news, exercise, etc.

How Women Feel About the Cave
In three words : We hate it

That’s because we feel ignored by his withdrawing and powerless that we can’t “hear a man out” to make him feel better. (Remmeber, it’s all about perspective. For a woman, hearing her out would be helping her). Not talking to her is hurtful because she feels that he doesn’t love her.

Stress Relief: When Women Talk
When women are stressed out, they like to talk. It relaxes and makes a woman feel good when she feels someone is there to listen to her. Men, however, may feel that the woman is blaming him. Because men talk about problems for only two reasons: they are blaming someone or seeking a solution.

Ah, that explains so much

Very simple, ladies: just tell your man that you talk when you are upset because it is a way of siphoning out all those overwhelming emotions, frustration and anger. Once you are emotionally stable, you can deal with your problems. All he has to do is listen and sympathize. (And you may want to add that “listening” translates to “undivided attention” in Venesian).

A few reasons why men get frustrated by our venting sessions:

1. They become impatient by details because they feel that they are necessary to solve the problem. And since men are problem-solvers, they are trying hard to keep up with all of the gibberish we spit out. (Although, I felt like this totally didn’t apply to me…unnecessary details are my pet peeve).

2. He assumes that there is a logical order to the ranting. It’s hard to link up all of the different problems. They are not related at all, in fact.

3. He is looking for the bottom line.

As a woman, we know how we work. Explain the concept of talking to your husband Let him know that when you’re upset about something, it reminds you of other problems and suddenly you’re incredibly overwhelmed by everything. All you need is a good ear and some sympathy.

Practice

Next time your hubby goes to the cave, let him Realize he’s just trying to work though a problem and when he’s ready, he’ll come out. In the mean time, go shopping, listen to a lecture…have some girl time

Also, if your hubby is acting like a space cadet, it’s probably because he’s stressed. Ask him point blank. Makes things easier.

[This is not me talking like an Agony Uncle, its taken from Peeps who have had experience on the Marriage front]