The Whisper, the Look and the Touch

The Whisper, the Look and the Touch

The Language Between Spouses By Amr abu Khalil

Young at Heart

The delicate, refined Qur’anic expressions describing the intimate relationship between man and woman have surpassed anything that could be found in volumes of specialized books dealing openly with the subject of man-woman relationships.
The sexual relationship between a man and a woman has been described several times in the Qur’an:

[Your women are a tilth for you (to cultivate) go to your tilth as ye will, and send (good deeds) before you for your souls, and fear Allah, and know that ye will (one day) meet Him. Give glad tidings to believers, O Muhammad.]

(Al-Baqarah 2:223)

[It is made lawful for you to go unto your wives on the night of the fast. They are raiment for you and ye are raiment for them. Allah is aware that ye were deceiving yourselves in this respect and He hath turned in mercy toward you and relieved you. So hold intercourse with them and seek that which Allah hath ordained for you, and eat and drink until the white thread becometh distinct to you from the black thread of the dawn. Then strictly observe the fast till nightfall and touch them not, but be at your devotions in the mosques. These are the limits imposed by Allah, so approach them not. Thus Allah expoundeth His revelations to mankind that they may ward off (evil).]

(Al-Baqarah 2:187)

[How can you take it (back) after one of you hath gone in unto the other, and they have taken a strong pledge from you?]

(An-Nisaa’ 4:21)

These verses describe the intimate relationship, the marital relationship, which is the total submission to one another.

The Whisper, the Look, and the Touch

The wife cultivates her husband and the husband cultivates his wife; the Qur’an uses agricultural terms to describe a sensitive relationship. To cultivate land means to turn the soil in order to air it, to rejuvenate it, to purify it; it means to prepare the land to receive and to produce. What does the husband have to do to cultivate his wife, especially when the term comes in a sexual context? The picture is complete: The man is free and totally delegated to approach his wife to make love to her in any fashion he wants, except that he should not penetrate from the anus as mentioned in the previous verse. The preparation of the soil is the preliminary groundwork before planting the seeds.

To the husband, his wife is all his; he should revitalize and invigorate her. He should make her feel his love in order for her to get rid of all pressure and existing sadness. The pleasure derived is not of the meeting of the two bodies to culminate in the erection and penetration of one organ into the other; it is the interaction between the land and the cultivator. The husband should not leave his wife’s body untouched, or un-caressed; otherwise, his work is not complete: a soft word in the ear, a tender look in the eyes. It is body talk, a mutual dialogue between the two; the wife is asked to reciprocate, if not the same then better. This is just a light interpretation of the Qur’anic term, the greater part of the explication will be left to the couple’s imagination and innovation to reach the farthest dimension of the term.

The Warmth of a Hug

The second image describes the act as a cover to the couple. The general meaning of a cover is the protection, the warmth, the containment, and the beautification: It is everything can you imagine yourself without clothing. During these intimate moments the husband and the wife become each other’s clothing. He takes her in his arms, and the closeness warms her; she feels secure. He grooms himself for her and she beautifies herself for him. She warms him with her body and subdues him with her gaze. To the extent they become part of each other, the couple during these moments become one.

Love and Emotions

The third image, the coming together, may seem to have a wider general meaning. It is true, but it also means the coming together of the bodies, which is one of its meanings. And both are part of a wider coming together, that of the meeting of the souls, the interlacing of emotions. The sexual relation is not complete; there is no sense of pleasure without the entwining of the souls. Without love, without emotions, the act will be one of repulsion instead of closeness.

The Tender Touch

Now comes the moment of intercourse, but He Almighty chose to describe it by using the word meeting of the flesh. In the Arabic language, it is a derivation of the word skin, the tender skin. Then why the choice of the wording to describe the act so romantically? It is a holy signal to remind the husbands and the wives that the relationship is not the meeting of two organs but it is the touching. Skin to skin, every part of the body meets its counterpart naturally, and the intercourse becomes a natural consequence of a general and comprehensive meeting between two bodies, between two spouses.

Give of Yourself

Then comes the finale, the miraculous verse and all the verses of the Qur’an are the work of miracle. To clarify everything we have been saying so far, it is the divine order to play, to cuddle, to do everything within your power to come close to each other. One has to strive to exhibit oneself in the best possible way; the purpose is to leave a fine impression on the soul. It is the basic element in all human relations. It is a beautiful Qur’anic epic depicting a befitting act in a most glorifying way, the ultimate act of love between two human beings who care for each other, and, for just a few moments, melt into each other.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dr. Amr Abu Khalilis a doctor of psychiatry in Alexandria, Egypt and General Manager of the Center for Social & Psychological Help also in Alexandria.

The Men and Women of Jannat

More from www.LikeAGarment.com:

As- Salaam Alaikum!

The topic of the houris in Paradise always brings a smile to the faces of most men, and makes many women feel uncomfortable. This is of course completely understandable.

But have you ever wondered why these heavenly creatures are described with such exquisite detail? Their clothing, their eyes, their skin, their bodies, their poetry, their love - all is mentioned in the Quran and Sunnah in language that leaves little to the imagination. Many a man feels sexually excited thinking about the rewards that await those who are destined to receive them. How many have used those very feelings to entice them to wake up for tahajjud, or to control impious urges of this world?

This fact alone clearly demonstrates that sexual arousal simply cannot, by itself, be anything wrong or sinful. It is quite clear that the purpose of these descriptions is to entice men to do better in order to earn such rewards. It is as if Allah wants us to be motivated by that arousal - to channel that energy into something useful and productive. As we have mentioned more than once before, this is in stark contrast to medieval notions of Christianity, where arousal itself was deemed irreligious.

Extrapolating from this, our sexual desires of this life should also be embraced, but channeled appropriately. If some of our desires are meant to be delayed and experienced in the afterlife, others are meant to be accepted and experienced in this world. This is what Allah intended for us!

And by the way, the strongest position regarding women in Paradise is that they too will have a mate: each woman (even those who died single) will have a husband to take care of her and satisfy her. There are no singles in Paradise; Allah only mentions the female companions of men because men are more overtly sexual creatures. Most women will have their partners of this life in Paradise (and these partners will be the best for them in every aspect), but for those who don't, they too shall be blessed with partners in the next.

So, brothers and sisters, dream away!

Jazakum Allah khayr!

Yasir Qadhi

Blessing of Intimacy - Imam al-Ghazali

Another post from www.LikeAGarment.com series by Shaykh Yasir Qadhi.

Imam al-Ghazali (d. 505) mentions in his famous work The Revival of the Religious Sciences that scholars have mentioned many blessings of intimacy, such as protecting one's chastity and increasing one's progeny. But he also mentions a blessing that might surprise many Muslims. One of the blessings of intimacy that our scholars have mentioned, al-Ghazali says, is to experience some of the pleasures of the afterlife. He continues:

"And I swear, what they have said is absolutely true! For indeed, in this pleasure [of sex] - a pleasure that cannot be compared to any other pleasure - if only it were to persist, it would indeed be a sign or signal for those pleasures of the next life that have been promised to us. To entice someone regarding a pleasure that he has never experienced is of no use! If an impotent man were to be enticed with sex, or a young child with power, there would be no temptation. Therefore, one of the blessings of the sexual experience and pleasure in this world is the hope of its perpetual existence in the next, so that this can be used as a motivation for the worship of Allah.

Marvel, therefore, at the wisdom of Allah, and His Mercy, for look at how He has placed in one desire two lives: an external life, and an internal life. So the external life is the preservation of a man through his progeny and children. And the internal life is the life of the next world. For the pleasure of sex is diminished in this world because it must remain temporary, and is swiftly terminated, but by experiencing it, one's desire to have such a pleasure remain everlasting becomes firm, and this encourages one to persist in deeds of worship that would allow him to experience such pleasures."

Conjugal Happiness through Marriage

More from the excellent www.LikeAGarment.com Project initiated by Shaykh Yasir Qadhi.

There are many other traditions that state the importance of finding conjugal happiness within the folds of marriage. The Prophet salla Allahu 'alayhi wa sallam himself said,

"From this world, women and perfume have been made beloved to me, but the coolness of my eyes comes from prayer"

[al-Bukhari].

In one hadith we learn,

"This whole world is an enjoyment, and its best enjoyment is a righteous wife"

[Muslim].

Another hadith states

"I advise you to marry young women, for they have sweeter lips...and are more passionate in their embrace"

[Reported by Ibn Majah, al-Tabarani, and others, and it is hasan].

And finally, we are advised in the traditions,

"If one of you approaches his wife, and then wishes to repeat, let him do wudhu, for it will make the recurrence more energetic"

[Abu Dawud].

Benefits:

In all of these hadiths, we see once again the clear encouragement to engage in passionate and fulfilling intimate relations with one's spouse.
Even the blessed Prophet salla Allahu 'alayhi wa sallam found comfort in his wives, but the comfort that prayer and turning to Allah gave him was obviously the most sweet and pure.

In another hadith, the Companion is told that a woman of his age would be better because her passion would be more. Better kissing is explicitly mentioned, and more passionate sex is hinted at.

A righteous wife (and, by analogy, a good husband) is the best enjoyment of this world. Pure, halal, encouraged enjoyment.

The frank advice given in the last tradition makes it crystal clear that we should aim to have passionate sex lives. No less a figure than our beloved Prophet informed us of ways to increase that passion. Washing oneself after a first act invigorates the body and rejuvenates the soul, and thus helps in repeating the act again.
In this last tradition, one method of increasing passion is mentioned. This shows that other methods may also be studied and taught.

Notice that while the message is crystal clear in each and every one of these traditions, never is the wording vulgar, nor is the language crude. Similarly, we should be frank in our teachings, but there is no need to employ unbefitting language.

Intimacy in the Quran‏

This is from an extract from the www.LikeAGarment.com by Yasir Qadhi.

The Quran frequently references sexual activity. In dozens of verses, Allah mentions the process of creation. In one verse, the Quran says: "Let man see what he has been created from. He has been created from a liquid that is spurt out (i.e., ejaculated), which proceeded from between the backbones and the ribs" [Surah al-Tariq; 5-7]. Many commentators stated that the reference to '...between the backbones and ribs' is to a common sexual position, and the backbone is that of the man and the ribs that of the women.

And Allah says,

"Your women are your field, so come to them as and when you please"

[Surah al-Baqara; 223]

Ata (d. 103 AH), the famous Successor, said that whenever he would recite the Quran to Ibn Abbas, Ibn Abbas would never interrupt him, but rather listen intently (to ensure correct recitation). However, when he recited this verse, Ibn Abbas stopped him and said,

"Do you know why this verse was revealed? Some Jews of Madinah used to believe that if a man approached a woman from her back (one version adds: while she was kneeling), the child would be born deformed. So Allah revealed this verse, allowing men to approach their wives in any position."

Similarly, in the famous hadith regarding the prohibition of anal intercourse, the Prophet salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam said,

"Allah is not embarrassed at the truth: approach her (i.e., your wife) from her front or from her back, but avoid the anus"

[Abu Dawud].

Benefit:

The Quran and Sunnah, being the divine code of guidance that they are, mention the issue of various sexual positions, but do so without going into unnecessary details and unbefitting descriptions. Enough is said to get the point across, and other details are left to the couple's experience and imagination. Similarly, the standard books of tafseer, hadith explanations, and fiqh works do not take on the role of sex manuals, but rather mention enough to explain what is and what is not permissible.

In the verse that Ibn Abbas explained, Allah revealed it in response to an awkward situation regarding the permissibility of a particular position. One of the spouses refused to engage in intimacy in this position, believing that it was impermissible, and that it would be harmful if it resulted in pregnancy. At this, Allah revealed a beautiful simile: the conjugal act is similar to a farmer planting seeds in a field. The farmer has many options in how he plants those seeds, and is not restricted to any one manner. Similarly, the Prophet salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam clarified that as long as intimacy occurred in the right place, the Shariah did not dictate or restrict how intimacy occurred.

Like a Garement - Hadith of Jabir and Benefits

This is a great initiative "Like a Garment" recently set up by Shaykh Yasir Qadhi, as noted on the website:http://www.likeagarment.com/

"The topic of marital relations is one that many people of knowledge feel highly uncomfortable talking about. For some reason, it has taken on a taboo status, despite the fact that desires of intimacy are completely natural and God-given, and good marital relations are an integral part of any healthy marriage! The Shariah, being the complete Law that it is, governs this area of life in as much detail as it does other areas, yet a stigma still remains amongst us when it comes to discussing this subject in public"

I agree totally with this statement on site, this topic has been such a taboo subject event growing up, there is much more harm than good not speaking about this especially as teenagers become adolescents and into adulthood.

The first series of emails by the Shaykh (May Allah be please with him) have been on the Famous Hadith of Jabir, I have laid out below parts 1 to 4.

HADITH OF JABIR

Jabir b. Abdillah was the son of a famous warrior, Abdullah b. Haram. Jabir was from the Ansar, and accepted Islam as a young boy. He was blessed to participate in the Treaty of Aqaba, and lived an extremely long life. Because of this, Jabir became one of the most profuse narrators of hadith, earning his name in the top five companions in terms of quantity of hadith narrated.

Jabir married young - he was probably seventeen when he got married. His marriage occurred shortly after his father died a martyr in the Battle of Uhud. His story is mentioned in most books of hadith, including the two Sahihs:

Jabir b. Abdillah reported that once he was on an expedition with the Prophet salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam, and when they were close to the city of Madinah, he sped on his mount. The Prophet salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam asked him why he was in such a hurry to return home. Jabir replied, "I am recently married!" The Prophet salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam asked, "To an older lady or a younger one?" [the Arabic could also read: "To a widow or a virgin?"], to which he replied, "A widow." The Prophet salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam said, "But why didn't you marry a younger girl, so that you could play with her, and she could play with you, and you could make her laugh, and she could make you laugh?" He said, "O Messenger of Allah! My father died a martyr at Uhud, leaving behind daughters, so I did not wish to marry a young girl like them, but rather an older one who could take care of them and look after them." The Prophet salla Allahu alayhi wa salam replied, "You have made the correct choice..."

[Continued in Part 2 see below]

This is part of a much larger hadith, known as the 'hadith of Jabir'. It is a hadith full of benefits, and in fact separate treatises have been written by our scholars just on this one hadith. Some of the benefits we can derive from the portion cited above include:

The frankness of the Prophet's salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam question. He is encouraging Jabir to find a playful wife, and wants the both of them to enjoy each other. This clearly shows that it is one of the primary goals of a marriage that each party find satisfaction in the other.

The connotation of being sexually playful is clearly implied, without any direct reference. From this, and many other references, we see that the Quran and Sunnah are frank about sexuality, but never vulgar. This should be our attitude and tone as well.

The Prophet salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam clearly mentioned that both parties should be satisfied with each other. In many Muslim cultures, women's sexuality is sidelined or even suppressed (through such barbaric practices as FGM - female genital mutilation). Women's sexuality is no less important than men's, and it is essential that a woman also be given her due right.

Part Two:

In our last e-mail, we mentioned the famous hadith of Jabir b. Abdillah, in which the Prophet salla Allahu 'alayhi wa sallam asked Jabir if he had married a young girl,

"...so that you can play with her and she can play with you, and you could make her laugh, and she could make you laugh."

The famous commentator of Sahih al-Bukhari, al-Hafidh Ibn Hajr, mentioned that this hadith also occurs with other wordings as well. In one authentic version, the hadith states, after Jabir mentioned that he had married an older lady,

"Why did you turn away from a young girl and her saliva?"

Benefits:

Once again, we are struck with the frankness of the prophetic words. Clearly, the words 'playfulness' and 'laughter' indicate that what is being encouraged is the couple's romance, foreplay, and generally 'having fun' with one other. It would do us well to contrast this straightforwardness of our Prophet with the ultra-reserved Muslim culture that we find around us, where 'love' and 'romance' are considered filthy words that should never be uttered in public!

This understanding is further reinforced by examining the life of our Prophet salla Allahu ' alayhi wa sallam. In every sense of the term, he was a loving, caring, gentle, and compassionate husband to his wives. It is even correct and proper to say that he was romantic with his wives in the most ideal and noble of ways. Some of these hadiths will be mentioned in our future correspondence.

The variant wording that occurs (which mentions the saliva of a young girl) is explained by Ibn Hajr and al-Qurtubi as a reference to kissing the lips and licking the tongue. In other words, what is being referenced is passionate kissing - the perfect foreplay!

The Islamic attitude towards sex is completely at odds with those of many Christian thinkers. St. Augustine (d. 430), who is perhaps the single most influential theologian of early Christianity, viewed sexual desire as something foul to be guilty and ashamed of. His writings had a profound impact on all future Christian notions of sex (and were also used to justify the prohibition of priests getting married).

That is why, to this day, even many non-religious Christians are baffled by Islam's attitude towards sex. It is mainly due to such notions that Islam has been viewed by many Westerners as being a 'licentious' religion. Such hadiths like this one of Jabir are mocked and ridiculed (one website comments, "How can a prophet of God command his followers to enjoy their wives?"). This shock stems from the basic Augustinian notion of sex being inherently evil. We must be aware of these psychological underpinnings when discussing Islam with others. For us as Muslims, sexual desire in and of itself is never associated with evil; it is only the misuse and abuse of such desire that is evil. Rather, sex is quite clearly implied in the Quran as being a blessing from Allah, to be thoroughly enjoyed between spouses. We'll mention some of these verses in our future correspondence.

Part 3:

We are still discussing the famous hadith of Jabir, in which the Prophet salla Allahu 'alayhi wa sallam encouraged Jabir to marry a young girl of his age so that the two of them could make each other happy. In today's e-mail, we shall mention the final phrase of this hadith that is relevant to us, which is:

Jabir said, "So when we were about to enter the city, the Prophet salla Allahu 'alayhi wa sallam said to me,

'Slow down, and enter at night, so that she who has not combed may comb her hair, and she who has not shaved may shave her private area.' Then he said to me, 'When you enter upon her, then be wise and gentle.'"

[Reported by al-Bukhari and Muslim].

Benefits:

The Prophet salla Allahu 'alayhi wa sallam did not want Jabir to surprise his wife. At a time when there were no cell phones or other means of informing the family when a traveler would return, the Prophet salla Allahu 'alayhi wa sallam would send a crier into the city, announcing that the caravan was returning. Hence, he told Jabir to wait for this crier before proceeding into the city.

We learn that spouses should physically beautify themselves for one another. Combing the hair is but one way to beautify; anything that increases the beauty and handsomeness of one spouse in front of the other is something to be encouraged. The Prophet salla Allahu 'alayhi wa sallam told the impatient Jabir that it was better for him to delay his arrival in order that his wife prepare herself for him.

The explicit command to shave the pubes is an amazing phrase! We all know that a part of our Islamic tradition is that one must shave one's pubes; in this hadith, this command is put in the context of the sexual act. In other words, the husband is told to be patient so that his wife may beautify her private area in order to increase the aesthetic pleasure and gratification of sex. A husband and wife should make sure that even around their private areas, they look attractive to each other!

Again and again, we see the frankness of the prophetic traditions, and the encouragement to enjoy intimacy in marriage. Contrast this to the ultra-conservative attitudes predominant in many Muslim cultures. It is as if some Muslims wish to be 'more strict' than the Prophet salla Allahu 'alayhi wa sallam himself!

Part 4:

We are still discussing the famous hadith of Jabir. In our last email, we mentioned the concluding part of the hadith that is relevant to us:

Jabir said,

"So when we were about to enter the city, the Prophet salla Allahu 'alayhi wa sallam said to me, 'Slow down, and enter at night, so that she who has not combed may comb her hair, and she who has not shaved may shave her private area.'

Then he said to me,

'When you enter upon her, then be wise and gentle.'"

[Reported by al-Bukhari and Muslim].

Benefits:

The last phrase of the hadith is translated as '...then be wise and gentle'. The Arabic is 'fa-l-kayyis al-kayyis', which is an emphasis on this word. The word 'kayyis' primarily means wisdom, but it also has the connotation of gentleness. Scholars have understood this phrase to mean that Jabir should approach his wife in a gentle and wise manner.

The fact that the Prophet salla Allahu 'alayhi wa sallam is instructing Jabir what to do at this time shows that he instructed his Ummah even about such personal matters. In one hadith, which deals with the etiquette of the restroom, the Prophet salla Allahu 'alayhi wa sallam said, "I am to you like a father, and I teach you like a father does..." [Reported by Abu Dawud].

Since Jabir did not have any older brothers, and since his father had passed away, the Prophet salla Allahu 'alayhi wa sallam took on this responsibility, and even advised him about sexual conduct. From this, we may extrapolate that people of knowledge should likewise not be shy when it comes to teaching Muslims conjugal etiquette when the need arises.

Imam al-Bukhari, Ibn Khuzayma, and Ibn Hibban all narrated this wording, and they all understood the reference here to be an indirect reference to the act of intimacy. Once again, the wording is frank without being vulgar.

What is meant by 'al-kayyis' is that Jabir should act in a wise manner; he has been gone for some time, and is newly married. Therefore, both parties are missing each other, and it is a sign of wisdom that they gratify themselves and do not delay this unnecessarily. Also, there is a connotation of gentleness as well; Jabir should realize that he is a young man, and therefore he should not act in a manner that might be painful to his wife.

The hadith of Jabir has many other benefits in other areas of fiqh. However, for our purposes, this is the last of our installments regarding this beautiful hadith and how we can benefit from it in the context of Islamic sexuality.