Mahr (Dower): Concept & Rulings

Question and Answer Details from http://www.islamonline.net/servlet/Satellite?pagename=IslamOnline-English-Ask_Scholar/FatwaE/FatwaE&cid=1119503543426

Here is the detail of the Question on Mahr (Dowry)

Name of Questioner
Adnan - United States

Title: Mahr (Dower): Concept & Rulings

Question
I would like to know what is the concept of mahr in Islam? What should be the mahr for someone living in California, USA? I am getting married soon and my in-laws would like the mahr to be set according to the Shari`ah.

Date 11/Jul/2003

Name of Counsellor :Muzammil Siddiqi

Topic: Marriage


Answer

In the Name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.

All praise and thanks are due to Allah, and peace and blessings be upon His Messenger.

Dear brother in Islam, we commend your keenness on getting your self well-acquainted with Islam and its teachings, which is the way Allah has chosen for the welfare of His servants.

In Islam, the mahr (dower) is a woman's right and that signifies a husband's love and appreciation for his wife. There is no fixed amount of mahr in the Shari`ah. It should be given according to the financial status of the husband and according to the time and place. However, it should be reasonable and not too expensive.

The bride's guardian and family should focus on the religious commitment and character of the suitor rather than asking for huge amounts of dower which burdens the youths who want to get married and protect themselves against temptations. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) never demanded huge amounts of dower when giving his daughters in marriage. He is also reported to have said,

"The best woman is the one whose mahr is the easiest to pay."

Reported by al-Haythami)

Answering the questions you raised, Dr. Muzammil H. Siddiqi, former President of the Islamic Society of North America, states:

“Mahr is a wife's right, which becomes binding upon the husband once the marriage is contracted. It is fully payable after the consummation of marriage but if divorce occurs before the consummation of marriage then half of the Mahr is required to be paid unless the wife or her guardians waive it. Allah says: “And give unto the women, (whom ye marry) free gift of their marriage portions…”

(An-Nisa’: 4)

He Almighty also says:

“And those of whom ye seek content (by marrying them), give unto them their portions as a duty…”

(An-Nisa': 24)

Mahr is very important in Islamic marriage. Allah has used the word "faridah" for it. It means something fixed, decided and obligatory. It is obligatory on the husband to pay mahr to his wife unless she expressly by her own will without any pressure forgives him or returns the amount of mahr to him. Mahr belongs to the wife and it is to be given to her only. It is not the property of her parents or her guardian. No one can forgive the husband to pay the Mahr except the wife herself or, in case she did not go to her husband and the marriage ended without consummation, then in that situation her guardian can also forgive the mahr on her behalf. If a husband dies without paying mahr to his wife, it will be an outstanding debt on him and it must be paid before the distribution of his inheritance among his heirs.

Mahr is not a bride price. It is a woman's right and it signifies a husband's love and appreciation for his wife. In the Qur'an it is called "sadaqah" which means a token of friendship. It is also called "nihlah" which means "a nice gift or present." Mahr also signifies a husband's commitment to take care of his wife's financial needs (nafaqah).

People often make part of mahr advanced (mu`ajjal) and part of it deferred (mu'akkhar or mu'ajjal). The advanced mahr should be paid at the time of Nikah while the postponed should be paid later. The wife has a right to demand it from her husband; it’s her right. A wife should also not feel threatened that her husband may leave her if he pays her all her mahr. "All these notions belong to various cultures but they have nothing to do with the Shari`ah.

According to the Shari`ah, the mahr should also be reasonable. There is no fixed amount of mahr in the Shari`ah. It should be given according to the financial status of the husband and according to the time and place.

However, it is a principle of the Shari`ah that the mahr should not be too expensive. It is wrong to declare large amount of mahr at the time of marriage to show off or to boast. Some time bride's family put pressure on the groom and his family for a large amount of mahr so that they may show their pride to their relatives and friends boasting that their daughter was married for a big mahr. Sometimes the groom declares a big amount and secretly thinks that this is just a commitment on paper. People are often heard saying, "Write whatever you want, no one asks and no one pays." This is playing a game with the rules of Allah. Muslims should only commit to what they are really capable of paying and what they intend to pay. It is haram to enjoy relations with a wife and then deny her the mahr when she demands.”

May Allah guide you to the straight path and direct you to that which pleases Him, Ameen.


Allah Almighty knows best.

Like a Garement - Hadith of Jabir and Benefits

This is a great initiative "Like a Garment" recently set up by Shaykh Yasir Qadhi, as noted on the website:http://www.likeagarment.com/

"The topic of marital relations is one that many people of knowledge feel highly uncomfortable talking about. For some reason, it has taken on a taboo status, despite the fact that desires of intimacy are completely natural and God-given, and good marital relations are an integral part of any healthy marriage! The Shariah, being the complete Law that it is, governs this area of life in as much detail as it does other areas, yet a stigma still remains amongst us when it comes to discussing this subject in public"

I agree totally with this statement on site, this topic has been such a taboo subject event growing up, there is much more harm than good not speaking about this especially as teenagers become adolescents and into adulthood.

The first series of emails by the Shaykh (May Allah be please with him) have been on the Famous Hadith of Jabir, I have laid out below parts 1 to 4.

HADITH OF JABIR

Jabir b. Abdillah was the son of a famous warrior, Abdullah b. Haram. Jabir was from the Ansar, and accepted Islam as a young boy. He was blessed to participate in the Treaty of Aqaba, and lived an extremely long life. Because of this, Jabir became one of the most profuse narrators of hadith, earning his name in the top five companions in terms of quantity of hadith narrated.

Jabir married young - he was probably seventeen when he got married. His marriage occurred shortly after his father died a martyr in the Battle of Uhud. His story is mentioned in most books of hadith, including the two Sahihs:

Jabir b. Abdillah reported that once he was on an expedition with the Prophet salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam, and when they were close to the city of Madinah, he sped on his mount. The Prophet salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam asked him why he was in such a hurry to return home. Jabir replied, "I am recently married!" The Prophet salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam asked, "To an older lady or a younger one?" [the Arabic could also read: "To a widow or a virgin?"], to which he replied, "A widow." The Prophet salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam said, "But why didn't you marry a younger girl, so that you could play with her, and she could play with you, and you could make her laugh, and she could make you laugh?" He said, "O Messenger of Allah! My father died a martyr at Uhud, leaving behind daughters, so I did not wish to marry a young girl like them, but rather an older one who could take care of them and look after them." The Prophet salla Allahu alayhi wa salam replied, "You have made the correct choice..."

[Continued in Part 2 see below]

This is part of a much larger hadith, known as the 'hadith of Jabir'. It is a hadith full of benefits, and in fact separate treatises have been written by our scholars just on this one hadith. Some of the benefits we can derive from the portion cited above include:

The frankness of the Prophet's salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam question. He is encouraging Jabir to find a playful wife, and wants the both of them to enjoy each other. This clearly shows that it is one of the primary goals of a marriage that each party find satisfaction in the other.

The connotation of being sexually playful is clearly implied, without any direct reference. From this, and many other references, we see that the Quran and Sunnah are frank about sexuality, but never vulgar. This should be our attitude and tone as well.

The Prophet salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam clearly mentioned that both parties should be satisfied with each other. In many Muslim cultures, women's sexuality is sidelined or even suppressed (through such barbaric practices as FGM - female genital mutilation). Women's sexuality is no less important than men's, and it is essential that a woman also be given her due right.

Part Two:

In our last e-mail, we mentioned the famous hadith of Jabir b. Abdillah, in which the Prophet salla Allahu 'alayhi wa sallam asked Jabir if he had married a young girl,

"...so that you can play with her and she can play with you, and you could make her laugh, and she could make you laugh."

The famous commentator of Sahih al-Bukhari, al-Hafidh Ibn Hajr, mentioned that this hadith also occurs with other wordings as well. In one authentic version, the hadith states, after Jabir mentioned that he had married an older lady,

"Why did you turn away from a young girl and her saliva?"

Benefits:

Once again, we are struck with the frankness of the prophetic words. Clearly, the words 'playfulness' and 'laughter' indicate that what is being encouraged is the couple's romance, foreplay, and generally 'having fun' with one other. It would do us well to contrast this straightforwardness of our Prophet with the ultra-reserved Muslim culture that we find around us, where 'love' and 'romance' are considered filthy words that should never be uttered in public!

This understanding is further reinforced by examining the life of our Prophet salla Allahu ' alayhi wa sallam. In every sense of the term, he was a loving, caring, gentle, and compassionate husband to his wives. It is even correct and proper to say that he was romantic with his wives in the most ideal and noble of ways. Some of these hadiths will be mentioned in our future correspondence.

The variant wording that occurs (which mentions the saliva of a young girl) is explained by Ibn Hajr and al-Qurtubi as a reference to kissing the lips and licking the tongue. In other words, what is being referenced is passionate kissing - the perfect foreplay!

The Islamic attitude towards sex is completely at odds with those of many Christian thinkers. St. Augustine (d. 430), who is perhaps the single most influential theologian of early Christianity, viewed sexual desire as something foul to be guilty and ashamed of. His writings had a profound impact on all future Christian notions of sex (and were also used to justify the prohibition of priests getting married).

That is why, to this day, even many non-religious Christians are baffled by Islam's attitude towards sex. It is mainly due to such notions that Islam has been viewed by many Westerners as being a 'licentious' religion. Such hadiths like this one of Jabir are mocked and ridiculed (one website comments, "How can a prophet of God command his followers to enjoy their wives?"). This shock stems from the basic Augustinian notion of sex being inherently evil. We must be aware of these psychological underpinnings when discussing Islam with others. For us as Muslims, sexual desire in and of itself is never associated with evil; it is only the misuse and abuse of such desire that is evil. Rather, sex is quite clearly implied in the Quran as being a blessing from Allah, to be thoroughly enjoyed between spouses. We'll mention some of these verses in our future correspondence.

Part 3:

We are still discussing the famous hadith of Jabir, in which the Prophet salla Allahu 'alayhi wa sallam encouraged Jabir to marry a young girl of his age so that the two of them could make each other happy. In today's e-mail, we shall mention the final phrase of this hadith that is relevant to us, which is:

Jabir said, "So when we were about to enter the city, the Prophet salla Allahu 'alayhi wa sallam said to me,

'Slow down, and enter at night, so that she who has not combed may comb her hair, and she who has not shaved may shave her private area.' Then he said to me, 'When you enter upon her, then be wise and gentle.'"

[Reported by al-Bukhari and Muslim].

Benefits:

The Prophet salla Allahu 'alayhi wa sallam did not want Jabir to surprise his wife. At a time when there were no cell phones or other means of informing the family when a traveler would return, the Prophet salla Allahu 'alayhi wa sallam would send a crier into the city, announcing that the caravan was returning. Hence, he told Jabir to wait for this crier before proceeding into the city.

We learn that spouses should physically beautify themselves for one another. Combing the hair is but one way to beautify; anything that increases the beauty and handsomeness of one spouse in front of the other is something to be encouraged. The Prophet salla Allahu 'alayhi wa sallam told the impatient Jabir that it was better for him to delay his arrival in order that his wife prepare herself for him.

The explicit command to shave the pubes is an amazing phrase! We all know that a part of our Islamic tradition is that one must shave one's pubes; in this hadith, this command is put in the context of the sexual act. In other words, the husband is told to be patient so that his wife may beautify her private area in order to increase the aesthetic pleasure and gratification of sex. A husband and wife should make sure that even around their private areas, they look attractive to each other!

Again and again, we see the frankness of the prophetic traditions, and the encouragement to enjoy intimacy in marriage. Contrast this to the ultra-conservative attitudes predominant in many Muslim cultures. It is as if some Muslims wish to be 'more strict' than the Prophet salla Allahu 'alayhi wa sallam himself!

Part 4:

We are still discussing the famous hadith of Jabir. In our last email, we mentioned the concluding part of the hadith that is relevant to us:

Jabir said,

"So when we were about to enter the city, the Prophet salla Allahu 'alayhi wa sallam said to me, 'Slow down, and enter at night, so that she who has not combed may comb her hair, and she who has not shaved may shave her private area.'

Then he said to me,

'When you enter upon her, then be wise and gentle.'"

[Reported by al-Bukhari and Muslim].

Benefits:

The last phrase of the hadith is translated as '...then be wise and gentle'. The Arabic is 'fa-l-kayyis al-kayyis', which is an emphasis on this word. The word 'kayyis' primarily means wisdom, but it also has the connotation of gentleness. Scholars have understood this phrase to mean that Jabir should approach his wife in a gentle and wise manner.

The fact that the Prophet salla Allahu 'alayhi wa sallam is instructing Jabir what to do at this time shows that he instructed his Ummah even about such personal matters. In one hadith, which deals with the etiquette of the restroom, the Prophet salla Allahu 'alayhi wa sallam said, "I am to you like a father, and I teach you like a father does..." [Reported by Abu Dawud].

Since Jabir did not have any older brothers, and since his father had passed away, the Prophet salla Allahu 'alayhi wa sallam took on this responsibility, and even advised him about sexual conduct. From this, we may extrapolate that people of knowledge should likewise not be shy when it comes to teaching Muslims conjugal etiquette when the need arises.

Imam al-Bukhari, Ibn Khuzayma, and Ibn Hibban all narrated this wording, and they all understood the reference here to be an indirect reference to the act of intimacy. Once again, the wording is frank without being vulgar.

What is meant by 'al-kayyis' is that Jabir should act in a wise manner; he has been gone for some time, and is newly married. Therefore, both parties are missing each other, and it is a sign of wisdom that they gratify themselves and do not delay this unnecessarily. Also, there is a connotation of gentleness as well; Jabir should realize that he is a young man, and therefore he should not act in a manner that might be painful to his wife.

The hadith of Jabir has many other benefits in other areas of fiqh. However, for our purposes, this is the last of our installments regarding this beautiful hadith and how we can benefit from it in the context of Islamic sexuality.

Why Dont You Marry? Its a form of Ebadat

First Part:

Deen & Culture: Conflict or Compromise? 1/2 from Hikmah on Vimeo.

Second Part:

Deen & Culture: Conflict or Compromise? 2/2 from Hikmah on Vimeo.

Good Marriage Nasiha Sites

Two really good websites for Marriage Advice for All Muslims.

This first one is a Media Player based One - Mainly videos by Mufti Muhammad ibn Adam al-Kawthari, who is a reknowned speaker in respect to Islam and Marriage in the west.

http://www.hikmah.co.uk/

The second website has many good Q&As on various Islamic Sciences. There is a good section on Nikah (Marriage) Q&As, Alhamdulillah.

http://www.daruliftaa.com/

Pointers on Choosing Marriage Partners

Pointers on Choosing Marriage Partners - By Rabi'ah Hakeem

In light of the experience of the past years, it is time to take stock
and try to halt the ever-mounting tide of divorces among Muslims. It
is not unusual today to find Muslim women (and even an occasional
Muslim man) who, by the time they are 30 or 35, have been married
three or four times, their children suffering again and again through
the trauma of fatherless and broken homes. Accordingly, we may list a
few essential points to be considered by both brothers and sisters in
the process of choosing a partner in life (although the masculine
pronoun has been used throughout for the sake of simplicity, the
following is generally equally applicable to both men and women).

1. Du'a.

Unceasingly ask help and guidance from Allah, Most High, in
the matter of finding and choosing a mate. As often as you feel it necessary, pray Salaah al-Istikhara, Islam's special prayer for guidance, in order to reach a suitable decision.

2. Consult your heart.

Listen to what your inner voice, the 'radar' which Allah has given you to guide you, tells you about the prospective partner. It is likely to be more correct than your mind, which often plays tricks and can rationalise almost any- thing. For many people, first impressions are often the most accurate.

3. Enquire.

Find out the reason why this man wants to marry you. Is he
interested in you as an individual or will just any person do? Why is he not doing the logical thing, that is, to marry someone from his culture? If there is evidence that the primary reason for this marriage, despite claims to the contrary, is for convenience (greencard, money, property, etc.), forget it. This spells trouble.

4. Get to know your prospective partner, within the limits of what is permissible in Islam, before deciding on marriage.

Just ' seeing' someone once or twice in the company of others, who may be anxious for this marriage to take place, is simply not enough under today's conditions, where two per- sons of totally dis-similar backgrounds are meeting each other without the safeguards of families. Without violating Islam's prohibition about being alone, try to understand his
nature, what makes him tick, his temperament, what he might be like to live with.

5. Talk to several people who know your prospective partner, not just one, or have someone whom you can trust do this for you.

Ask about him from various people, not just from his friends because they may conceal facts to do him a favour. And ask not only about his background, career, Islamicity, etc., but about such crucial matters as whether he gets angry easily; what he does when he is 'mad'; whether he is patient, polite, considerate; how he gets along with people; how he relates to the opposite sex; what sort of relationship he has with his mother and father; whether he is fond of children; what his personal habits are, etc

. And find out about his plans for the future from people who know him.

Do they coincide with what he has told you? Go into as much detail as possible. Check out his plans for the future - where you will live and what your lifestyle will be, his attitudes toward money and possessions and the like.

If you can't get answers to such crucial questions from people who know him, ask him yourself and try to make sure he is not just saying what he knows you want to hear. Too many people will make all kinds of promises before marriages in order to secure the partner they want but afterwards forget that they ever made them, (this naturally applies equally to women as to men).
6. Find out about his family, his relations with his parents, brothers and sisters.

What will his obligations be to them in the future? How will this affect where and under what conditions you will live? What are the character and temperament of each of his parents? Will they live with you or you with them? And are they pleased with his prospective marriage to you or not? Although it may not be the case in most Western marriages, among Muslims such issues are often crucial to
the success or failure of a marriage, and answers to these questions need to be satisfactory to ensure a peaceful married life.

7. Understand each other's expectations. Try to get a sense of your prospective partner's under- standing of the marriage relationship, how he will behave in various situations, and what he wants of you as his spouse.

These are issues which should be discussed clearly and unambiguously as the negotiations progress, not left to become sources of disharmony after the marriage because they were never brought up beforehand. If you are too shy to ask certain questions, have a person you trust do it for you. At an advanced stage of the negotiations,such a discussion should include such matters as birth control, when children are to be expected, how they are to be raised, how he feels about helping with housework and with the children's upbringing, whether or not you may go to school or work, relations with his family and yours, and other vital issues.

8. See him interacting with others in various situations.

The more varied conditions under which you are able to observe your prospective partner, the more clues you will have as to his mode of dealing with people and circumstances.

9. Find out what his understanding of Islam is and whether it is compatible with your own.

This is a very important matter. Is he expecting you to do many things which you have not done up to this point? If he emphasises " Haraams", especially if you are a new Muslimah, and seems unable to tolerate your viewpoint, chances are your marriage will be in trouble unless you are flexible enough to
accommodate yourself to his point of view and possibly a very restrictive lifestyle. Let him spell out to you clearly how he intends to practise Islam and how he wants you to practise it as his wife so there will be no misunderstandings later.

10. Don't be in a hurry. So many marriages have broken because the partners are in such haste that they don't take time to make such vital checks as the ones outlined above and rush into things.

Shocking as it may seem, marriages between Muslims which are contracted and then broken within a week or a month or a year have become common place occurrences among us. Don't add yourself to the list of marriage casualties because you couldn't take time or were too desperate for marriage to find out about or get to know the person with whom you plan to spend the rest of your life.

11. Ask yourself, Do I want this man/woman to be the father/mother of my children? If it doesn't feel just right to you, think it over again.

Remember, marriage is not just for today or tomorrow but for life, and for the primary purpose of building a family. If the person in question doesn't seem like the sort who would make a good parent, you are likely to find yourself struggling to raise your children without any help from him or her - or even with negative input - in
the future.

12. Never allow yourself to be pressured or talked into a marriage.

Your heart must feel good about it, not someone else's. Again, allegations of "Islamicity" - he is pious, has a beard, frequents the Masjid, knows about Islam; she wears Hijab, does not talk to men- are not necessarily guarantees of a good partner for you or of a good marriage, but are only a part of a total picture. If an individual practises the Sunnah only in relation to worship or externals, chances
are he /she has not really understood and is not really living Islam. Possessing the affection and Rahmah (mercy) which Islam enjoins between marriage partners is vital for a successful relationship, and these are the important traits to be looked for in a prospective partner.

13. Never consent to engaging in a marriage for a fixed period or in exchange for a sum of money. (Mut'a marriage).

Such marriages are expressly forbidden in Islam and entering into them is a sinful act, as marriage must be entered into with a clear intention of it being permanent, for life, not for a limited and fixed duration.

If these guidelines are followed, Insha' Allah the chances of making a
mistake which may mar the remainder of your life may be minimised.

Choosing a marriage partner is a most serious matter, perhaps the most
serious decision you will ever make in your life since your partner
can cause you either to be successful or to fail miserably, in the
tests of this life and, consequently, in the Here- after. This
decision needs to be made with utmost care and caution, repeatedly
seeking guidance from your Lord.

If everything checks out favourable, well and good, best wishes for
happiness together here and in the Hereafter. If not, better drop the
matter and wait. Allah your Lord knows all about you, His servant, and
has planned your destiny and your partner for you. Be sure that He
will bring you together when the time is right. As the Qur'an enjoins,
you must be patient until He opens a way for you, and for your part
you should actively explore various marriage leads and possibilities.

Two words addressed to brothers arc In order here.
If you are marrying or have married a recent convert to Islam, you must be very patient and supportive with her.

Remember, Islam is new to her, and chances are that she will not be able to take on the whole of the Shari'ah at once - nor does Islam require this, if you look at the history of early Islam. In your wife 's efforts to conform herself to her new faith and culture, she needs time and a great deal of support, love, help and understanding from you, free of interference from outsiders.

It is best to let her make changes at her own speed when her inner being is ready for them rather than demanding that she do this or that, even if it means that some time will elapse before she is ready to follow certain Islamic injunctions.

If the changes come from within herself, they are likely to be sincere and permanent; otherwise, if she makes changes because of pressure from you or from others, she may always be unhappy with the situation and may look for ways out of it.

You can help her by being consistent in your own behaviour. So many
Muslims apply those parts of the Qur'an or Sunnah which suit them and
abandon the rest, with resulting confusion in the minds of their wives
and children.

Thus, while firmly keeping the reins in your hands,

you should look at your own faults, not hers, and be proud and happy with the efforts she is making. Make allowances, be considerate, and show your appreciation of the difficult task she is carrying out by every possible means.

This will cause her to love and respect you, your culture, and Islam to grow infinitely faster than a harsh, dominating, forceful approach ever could.

Finally, a word of warning. Certain situations have occurred in which
women, posing as Muslims (or perhaps actually having made Shahaadah),
have deceived and made fools of numbers of Muslim men. Such women may
be extremely cunning and devious, operating as poor, lonely
individuals in need of help and/or husbands. The brothers who fall
into this net may be shown false photos, given false information or
promises, cheated in all sorts of ways, and finally robbed of anything
the conniving lady can manage to take from them. As was said, it is
wise to check out any prospective partner with local Muslims who know
her.

Keep your eyes open and take your time. Since marriage is for life,
for eternity, hurrying into it for any reason whatsoever is the act of
a foolish or careless person who has only himself or herself to blame
if things go wrong

The First Two Years: A Marriage Survival Guide

The First Two Years: A Marriage Survival Guide

More Muslim marriages in North America are breaking up in their first year than ever before, according to Shahina Siddiqui, executive director of the Islamic Social Services Association of the United States and Canada (ISSA).The first five to seven years are the most challenging of any marriage. They are a time a couple spends getting to know each other better and adjusting to each other's habits and personalities.Below are some of the main problems couples face in the early years and some possible solutions.

1. Lack of proper information before marriage
A number of problems are caused simply by the fact that the couple and their families have not discussed crucial issues beforehand. Some of these include:

A) whether or not the wife will work outside the home
B) will the couple wait to have children
C) which city and country the couple will live in after marriage
D)will they live with his parents or have their own apartment
These and other relevant issues need to be discussed and decided in the beginning stages of the marriage process.

2. Who's in charge?One of the biggest problems is the tug-of-war between couples over who is in control in the relationship. This has led to a stalemate in disagreements, as well as bitter feelings.Many couples today are refusing to compromise within moderation when differences arise.While from an Islamic perspective, the husband is given the leadership role in the marriage relationship, this does not mean he runs the couple's family life like a dictatorship.It must be remembered that Islamically, a leader is one who serves, manages, provides and nourishes. A leader must also have humbleness and humility.A husband exercises the right kind of leadership by being listening to and consulting (doing Shura) with his wife.Also, a husband is bound to follow the rules of the Quran and Sunnah. So differences in opinion should be referred back to these sources, instead of becoming a source of tension and problems.

3. The divorce option
Once upon a time, "divorce" was the seven-letter word most Muslim couples avoided using. Today, amongst many Muslim couples in North America, it is one of the first recourses turned to when conflicts occur in marriage.It should be remembered that out of all of the things Allah has made Halal, divorce is the one He hates the most. Couples need to look at several other alternatives before turning to this drastic measure.They should seek the help of older, wiser and trustworthy elders who will try to help them resolve their differences. Generally, they need to make a sincere, concerted effort to try to work things out before divorce is seriously considered.

4. Sexual problems
It is unrealistic to expect the issue of sex and sex-related problems to mysteriously disappear once a couple gets married.In the sex-saturated culture of North America (and everywhere else), couples tend to place very high expectations of each other in this area. They also expect instant results.In reality, it takes time, commitment, disappointment and investment to establish a sexual relationship in marriage which is in tune with the needs of each partner.It's important for Muslim couples to walk into marriage with proper information about sex and sexual etiquette from an Islamic perspective. They need to know what is Halal (permissible) and what is Haram (forbidden). They should also keep in mind that spouses must never discuss their sexual relationship with others, unless it is to get help for a specific problem with the right person or authority figure.On a similar note, it's important for both the husband and wife to remember that they need to make themselves physically attractive to each other. Too many couples take marriage to mean an excuse to now let themselves go. The couple or one of the partners may gain too much weight, or may not care about hygiene and their looks in general. The reverse should be true: spouses should take the time out for these things and give them even more attention after marriage. Our beloved Prophet has recommended husband and wife both to do that, May Allah's peace and blessings be upon him.

5. In-laws
The first few years of marriage are not just a period of adjustment for the married couple. It's one of getting used to in-laws and vice-versa.Husbands, wives and in-laws need to practice the Islamic rules of social relations with each other. These include: avoiding sarcasm, backbiting, calling each other by offensive nicknames, and making a special effort to respect each other as family members.As well, comparisons need to be avoided, since every individual and every couple is different. So wives should not be compared to mothers and sisters. Husbands should not be compared to fathers and brothers. In-laws should not be compared to parents, etc.In addition, there should be regular, healthy contact between spouses and in-laws. This can mean visiting each other at least once or twice a month, or calling if distance makes it difficult to get together.

6. Realism
Boy meets girl. They fall in love. They live happily ever after.This is the plot of many a Hollywood and Bollywood movie, where everyone is "perfect". Real life is very different.Couples may enter marriage with high-flying romantic ideas and expecting their partner to be the ideal human. But all humans have good and bad points. Husbands and wives have to learn to accept each other, warts and all.

7. Making a schedule and establishing rituals
Making a schedule may seem like an end to spontaneity but it's not.This allows you to establish your own lifestyle and rituals as a couple. It's especially important if both the husband and wife are going to school and/or working. In this scenario, a schedule helps in setting time aside for each other during a fast-paced week of work and studies.

Some rituals couples can establish may include:
praying at least one prayer together
attending a study circle together once a week
deciding on a weekly menu having a pancake breakfast every Saturday morning setting aside one day on which no work or studying will be done
setting a day when both the husband and wife will clean up the house
setting a time to discuss finances and a budget
making a phone contacting during the day
deciding on a particular day and time once a month at least to visit each other's parents

By discussing and setting up these rituals, couples learn how to talk to and feel responsible for each other. They also learn to become a team instead of two people living in the same with separate lives.

8.Marriage as a restriction
Muslim men who have grown up in North America (and else where) may find marriage restricting. After all, before, they could hang out with their buddies and get home by 11:00 p.m. and no one would say a word. After marriage though, they have to be home by 7:00 p.m if not earlier.While marriage comes with responsibilities and a tighter schedule, the benefits are also there. It takes time and patience to realize that in the end the benefits (i.e. a life partner, kids, etc.) are greater than the restrictions.

9. Friends and Islamic activities
Friends are a joy and a good friend is someone you want to be close to for the rest of your life.But friends are often the source of many marriage conflicts.
Too much time spent with friends, either hanging out or on the phone, means time lost with a husband/wife.
Also, friends, especially if they are of the same age group, may give the wrong advice on marriage, due to their own inexperience in the area.
Some possible solutions to the friends dilemma could be:· working out a "friends time" at least once a week where the husband and the wife meet and/or talk with friends privately · developing friendships with other married couples so spouses can befriend spouses Islamic activities fall in a similar category.
Young Muslim activists may think they can keep attending those three-hour Muslim Students' Association meetings as they did before marriage. Not so.Too much focus on outside Islamic activities takes away from spouse time.
Give Islamic activities their due but within a balance of everyone's rights, including those of your spouse.

Courtship In Islam

This is a topic which we as Muslims in the West have become far too lax upon and thus have now become so far from Our Deen. Make dua we All take lessons from the Qur'an and Sunnah and practical apply this to our daily life Insha'Allah. May Allah swt Forgive Us All for Our Sins and Protect Us from the works of the Shayateen, Aaamin.

Courtship In Islam [Extract from Happy Muslim FaceBook Page; Tuesday, April 6, 2010 at 7:07pm]

The most common questions I get from young people are, "Do Muslims date?" and "If they don't date, how do they decide whom to marry?"

"Dating" as it is currently practiced in much of the world does not exist among Muslims -- where a young man and woman (or boy/girl) are in a one-on-one intimate relationship, spending time together alone, "getting to know each other" in a very deep way before deciding whether that's the person they will marry. Rather, in Islam pre-marital relationships of any kind between members of the opposite sex are forbidden.

The choice of a marriage partner is one of the most important decisions a person will make in his or her lifetime. It should not be taken lightly, nor left to chance or hormones. It should be taken as seriously as any other major decision in life - with prayer, careful investigation, and family involvement.

So in today's world, how do young people manage? First of all, Muslim youth develop very close friendships with their same-sex peers. This "sisterhood" or "brotherhood" that develops when they are young continues throughout their lives. When a young person decides to get married, the following steps often take place:

Young person makes du'a (prayer) for Allah to help him or her find the right person.

The family enquires, discusses, and suggests candidates. They consult with each other to narrow down potential prospects. Usually the father or mother approaches the other family to suggest a meeting.

Couple agrees to meet in chaperoned, group environment. Umar related that the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said,

"Not one of you should meet a woman alone unless she is accompanied by a relative (mahram)."

(Bukhari/Muslim).

The Prophet (peace be upon him) also reportedly said,

"Whenever a man is alone with a woman, Satan (Shaytan) is the third among them."

(Tirmidhi).

When young people are getting to know each other, being alone together is a temptation toward wrongdoing. At all times, Muslims should follow the commands of the Qur'an (24:30-31) to

"lower their gaze and guard their modesty...."

Islam recognizes that we are human and are given to human weakness, so this rule provides safeguards for our own sake.

Family investigates candidate further - talking with friends, family, Islamic leaders, co-workers, etc. to learn about his or her character.

Couple prays salat-l-istikhara (prayer for guidance) to seek Allah's help in making a decision.

Couple agrees to pursue marriage or part ways. Islam has given this freedom of choice to both young men and women - they cannot be forced into a marriage that they don't want.

This type of focused courtship helps ensure the strength of the marriage, by drawing upon family elders' wisdom and guidance in this important life decision. Family involvement in the choice of a marriage partner helps assure that the choice is based not on romantic notions, but rather on a careful, objective evaluation of the compatibility of the couple. That is why these marriages often prove successful.

[By Huda Dodge, About.com Islam guide]

This short cartoon clip explains the pitfuls of lust: