Head of the Household

Al-Qiwaamah means that the head of the household is responsible for the physical safety of his family, and for their safety from a religious standpoint. He protects them from evil fashions and deviation, and provides the perfect example in the way he abides by the Limits set by Allah, and his exaltation of his religious rites and ceremonies, unashamedly and with the best of character and moral standard. He is like a shepherd that protects his flock. The head of a household is required to strike a balance between his work, his acts of worship and being free for his family; to give each one it's due, e.g. the rights of the wife, bringing up the children etc. If the head of the household is unable to make time to sit by himself or with members of the family to talk to them and listen to them, later on, when it is too late to do so, or is no longer possible, he will regret not having made the time. 'Abdullah ibn 'Amr ibn Al-'Aas said,

"The Messenger of Allah said to me, 'I have been told that you fast all day and then stay up all night (in worship) Don't do so; For your body has it's rights on you, and likewise your wife has rights upon you: fast and break your fast; fast three days in each month for that is (as if you were) fasting your whole life.'"

(Bukhari & Muslim)

Husband Support to a Revert Wife

Muslim Husband Posted by: KING-slave of ALLAH ! on: April 27, 2010

Assalam Alaykum,
there are lots of negative views about muslims husbands.specially the Islam haters shows muslim husbands are really bad,and treat women in bad way.they shows lots of stories.

so,I’m also sharing a True story of a revert sister,to show how are Muslim husbands,and truly its guidance for brothers also how they shuld be with there partner.

May Allah make this post useful for readers,
Ameen…
King slave of Allah!

____________________________________________________


It’s been 12 years since I married my Muslim husband and the road has truly been long and winding, but happy. At the time we got married I was Catholic and had no intention of converting to Islam.

My new husband was very understanding and only asked that I at least try to read an English translation of the Quran from time to time. I agreed. We soon moved to Kuwait as the U.S. economy was so weak at that time and it was impossible to earn a good living.

The minute I stepped off the plane I was thrust into a whole new world that was full of Islam, Muslims, cultural traditions and a whole new way of thinking. To say that I was shaken to my very core, in blind terror, is an understatement. All I wanted to do was to jump right back on that plane and fly away from this strange new World.

Yet through it all, my Muslim husband was by my side every step of the way. When I found that his mother’s cooking was too spicy, he made sure that other food choices were available, including American gourmet items like McDonald’s and Pizza Hut.

When I was homesick for my family in the US, he stayed up with me all night consoling me and offering to take me “home”. Through every happy moment, every illness and on the days when I was so sad I could barely summon a smile, my Muslim husband has been right there holding my hand.

My husband turned into my teacher as he taught me all about Islam, fasting and the Islamic prayer.

He is my best friend, confidant, and the father of my children. He equally shares in changing dirty diapers, spill patrol and nipping temper tantrums in the bud. Nothing fazes him, not even kids throwing up on his brand new shirt or his having to wash the dishes when I am too tired to move.

It’s unfortunate that Muslim husbands, especially, get such a bad rap in the Western media. Quite often Muslim husbands are portrayed as control freaks who force their wives to wear “Islamic garb”.

The reality is that both Muslim husbands and wives often choose to follow an Islamic code of dress because it is ordained in the Quran and Sunnah of Prophet Muhammad. It is not an issue of force or a war of wills.

God Almighty says in the Quran what means:

“Say to the believing men that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty: That will make for greater purity for them: And God is well acquainted with all that they do. And say to the believing women that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty. That they should not display their beauty and ornaments except what (must ordinarily) appear thereof.”(Quran 24:30)

For me, personally, I came to Kuwait wearing a t-shirt and blue jeans. I wore what I choose and neither my Muslim husband nor his Muslim family said anything to me.

However, my husband did continue to ask me to read the Quran. His gentle, and sometimes nagging, reminders paid off. I finally started reading the Quran and my hunger for more and more Islamic knowledge grew.

I searched and scoured until I found the truth I had always been looking for within the pages of the Quran. I made the decision to become a Muslim and I went shopping for my first hijab all by myself.

My husband turned into my teacher as he taught me all about Islam, fasting and the Islamic prayer. When I made mistakes or faltered, he did not scold me but increased his own efforts in teaching me everything properly.

His patience was remarkable as my own grew thin. I wanted to know a lot about Islam and it was just not something that happened overnight. But it did happen.

Islam has brought a sense of calm to my very being and a serene atmosphere to my home as well as my marriage. Since I became a Muslim I have noticed that I am less stressed or worried about the future.

I have a lot more patience and do not get as flustered as I used to with the little nuances of daily living. Through the Quran and Sunnah of Prophet Muhammad I have learned what this life really is all about and strive every day to engage in good deeds that will open the door to the next World to come.

Sumayyah Meehan reverted to Islam almost 11 years ago. She is a Waynesburg College graduate with a BA in criminal justice. She is working on an Islamic children’s book. She resides in Kuwait with her husband and three children.

Good manners at home

Spreading kindness in the home

‘A’isha (ra) said: “The Messenger of Allah (saws) said: ‘When Allah – may He be glorified – wills some good towards the people of a household, He introduces kindness among them.’”

(Reported by Imam Ahmad in al-Musnad, 6/71; Saheeh al-Jaami’, 303).

According to another report:

“When Allah loves the people of a household, He introduces kindness among them.”

(Reported by Ibn Abi al-Dunya and others; Saheeh al-Jaami’, no. 1704). In other words, they start to be kind to one another. This is one of the means of attaining happiness in the home, for kindness is very beneficial between the spouses, and with the children, and brings results that cannot be achieved through harshness, as the Prophet (saws) said:

“Allah loves kindness and rewards it in such a way that He does not reward for harshness or for anything else.”

(Reported by Muslim, Kitaab al-Birr wa’l-Sillah wa’l-Aadaab, no. 2592).

Helping one’s wife with the housework

Many men think that housework is beneath them, and some of them think that it will undermine their status and position if they help their wives with this work.

The Messenger of Allah (saws), however, used to

“sew his own clothes, mend his own shoes, and do whatever other work men do in their homes”

(Reported by Imam Ahmad in al-Musnad, 6/121; Saheeh al-Jaami’, 4927).

This was said by his wife ‘A’isha (ra), when she was asked about what the Messenger of Allah (saws) used to do in his house; her response described what she herself had seen. According to another report, she said:

“He was like any other human being: he would clean his clothes, milk his ewe, and serve himself.”

(Reported by Imam Ahmad in al-Musnad, 6/256; al-Silsilat al-Saheehah, 671).

She (ra) was also asked about what the Messenger of Allah (saws) used to do in his house, and she said,

“He used to serve his family, then when the time for prayer came, he would go out to pray.”

(Reported by al-Bukhaari, al-Fath, 2/162).

If we were to do likewise nowadays, we would achieve three things:

We would be following the example of the Prophet (saws)
We would be helping our wives
We would feel more humble, not arrogant.
Some men demand food instantly from their wives, when the pot is on the stove and the baby is screaming to be fed; they do not pick up the child or wait a little while for the food. Let these ahadeeth be a reminder and a lesson.

Being affectionate towards and joking with the members of the family.

Showing affection towards one’s wife and children is one of the things that lead to creating an atmosphere of happiness and friendliness in the home. Thus the Messenger of Allah (saws) advised Jaabir to marry a virgin, saying,

“Why did you not marry a virgin, so you could play with her and she could play with you, and you could make her laugh and she could make you laugh?”

(The hadeeth is reported in a number of places in the Saheehayn, such as al-Bukhaari, al-Fath, 9/121). The Prophet (saws) also said:

“Everything in which Allah’s name is not mentioned is idleness and play, except for four things: a man playing with his wife…”

(Reported by al-Nisaa’i in ‘Ushrat al-Nisa’, p. 87; also in Saheeh al-Jaami’). The Prophet (saws) used to treat his wife ‘A’isha affectionately when doing ghusl with her, as she (ra) said:

“The Messenger of Allah and I used to do ghusl together from one vessel, and he would pretend to take all the water so that I would say, ‘Leave some for me, leave some for me,’”

– and both of them were in a state of janaabah (impurity). (Muslim bi Sharh al-Nawawi, 4/6).

The ways in which the Prophet (saws) showed affection towards young children are too famous to need mentioning. He often used to show his affection towards Hasan and Husayn, as mentioned above. This is probably one of the reason why the children used to rejoice when he came back from traveling; they would rush to welcome him, as reported in the Saheeh hadeeth:

“Whenever he came back from a journey, the children of his household would be taken out to meet him.”

He (saws) used to hug them close to him, as ‘Abd-Allah ibn Jafar said:

“Whenever the Prophet (saws) came back from a journey, we would be taken out to meet him. One day we met him, Hasan, Husayn and I. He carried one of us in front of him, and another on his back, until we entered Medina”

(Saheeh Muslim, 4/1885-2772; see the commentary in Tuhfat al-Ahwadhi, 8/56).

Compare this with the situation in some miserable homes where there are no truthful jokes [i.e, jokes that do not involve lying], no affection, and no mercy. Whoever thinks that kissing his children goes against the dignity of fatherhood should read the following hadeeth: from Abu Hurayrah (ra) who said:

“The Messenger of Allah (saws) kissed al-Hasan ibn ‘Ali, and al-Aqra’ ibn Haabis al-Tameemi was sitting with him. Al-Aqra’ said: ‘I have ten children and I have never kissed any one of them. ‘ The Messenger of Allah (saws) looked at him and said: ‘The one who does not show mercy will not be shown mercy.’”

“Do Muslims Beat Their Wives?”

“Do Muslims Beat Their Wives?”
Compiled by Yusuf Estes
Answer – “NO” Special Update: Islam Forbids All Oppression

Source: ISLAM—World’s Greatest Religion!Entries (RSS)Comments (RSS)HomeIslam —- World’s Greatest Religion ! Posted by: KING-slave of ALLAH ! on: April 25, 2010

Women Treatment in Islam

We receive many questions about the treatment of women in Islam in general and what Muslim men do with their wives in particular. The following should help to shed some light on this most important subject.

Question:
I have a question about the treatment of the women in Islam. Could you please tell us why the Quran tells men to “Beat them” meaning their wives?” [Noble Quran 4:34]

Answer:
Let us consider a very basic understanding of the advent of Islam and the reason for it to be revealed in the time and place where it came. Here is a brief, yet clear statement of purpose with the coming of Islam:

Treatment in Relationships – in Islam, it is all about treatment; how you treat your Lord; how you treat His messenger; how you treat yourself; how you treat your family; how you treat others; how you treat your enviornment – it is always about treatement.

We must keep in mind the condition of the people who were without the guidance of Almighty God and how they had strayed far away from the message that came with Adam, Abraham, Moses and other great prophets, peace be upon them all.

The ignorant and selfish mentality the prevailed throughout the Arab lands did not allow women even the most basic of rights and the treatment of women was abhorent. Women were being treated as property, even less than the status of livestock. They were offered in trade or taken in marriage without consent or consideration for their feelings at all. The customs of the people at the time were far away from anything we might imagine today.

Statements in the Quran pertaining to the treatment of the women came to improve their condition and to raise their status to a level of balance alongside of men. Islam came to change the hearts of the people and show them the proper way to worship Allah and to interact with each other.

Now let us review the proper method of providing answers for Islam in general.

First we would say, “Thank you for asking about Islam. It is our committment to try our best to provide answers to questions to the best of our ability. However, sometimes we come across questions for which we do not have answers. In this case we will refer you to others who may be able to provide you with proper answers.”

Second, we remind ourselves and the one questioning Islam to be aware, we as Muslims, must never lie about anything, especially our religion.

Third, we do have the original text of the Quran and the preserved teachings of Muhammad, peace be upon him. This enables us to verify exactly what was said, intended and taught by Muhammad, peace be upon him, as being the religion of Islam.

Fourth, I would like to remind myself and all who read this in the future that not all questions are purely questions. Some contain statements and implications, that may or may not be true.

Finally, it is important to keep in mind anytime we discover something in the answers to actually be better than what we already have, we should be committed to change our position and accept that which is true over that which is false and take that which is better for that which is inferior.

After taking all of the above into consideration, if we find that the answer to this question provides us with a better approach to understanding what Almighty God has provided us with as a way of life on this earth and in the Next Life, we should then make the logical decsion to begin to worship Him on His terms.

Having said that, let us now look to the particular verse in question in the original text (Arabic), followed by the phonetic sounds in Latin letters and then finally, followed by a translation of the meaning to the English language by experts in both Arabic and in Quranic meanings.

Arabic:

ٱلرِّجَالُ قَوَّٲمُونَ عَلَى ٱلنِّسَآءِ بِمَا فَضَّلَ ٱللَّهُ بَعۡضَهُمۡ عَلَىٰ بَعۡضٍ۬ وَبِمَآ أَنفَقُواْ مِنۡ أَمۡوَٲلِهِمۡ‌ۚ فَٱلصَّـٰلِحَـٰتُ قَـٰنِتَـٰتٌ حَـٰفِظَـٰتٌ۬ لِّلۡغَيۡبِ بِمَا حَفِظَ ٱللَّهُ‌ۚ وَٱلَّـٰتِى تَخَافُونَ نُشُوزَهُنَّ فَعِظُوهُنَّ وَٱهۡجُرُوهُنَّ فِى ٱلۡمَضَاجِعِ وَٱضۡرِبُوهُنَّ‌ۖ فَإِنۡ أَطَعۡنَڪُمۡ فَلَا تَبۡغُواْ عَلَيۡہِنَّ سَبِيلاً‌ۗ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ كَانَ عَلِيًّ۬ا ڪَبِيرً۬ا (٣٤)

Transliteration

Ar-rejalu qawwa muna ‘alan-nisa’a bima fadhdhallahu ba’dhahum ‘ala bi’dhi wa bima anfaqu min amwalihim. Fas-saliHatu qaintat HafaTHatul-lilghaybi bimaa HafiTHal-lahu, wal-lati takhafuna nushuza hunna fa’iTHuu hunna wa hjuruu hunna fiil-lmadha ji’i wadhribu hunna. Fa’in aTa’nakum flaa tabghuu ‘alayhinna sabiilan. Innal-laha kaana ‘aliyaan kabiira(n).

One Explanation (tafsir) given of this surahc (chapter 4:34) according to some scholars is:

“Men are the support of women as God gives some more means than others, and because they spend of their wealth (to provide for them). So women who are virtuous are obedient to God and guard the hidden as God has guarded it. As for women who are averse in behavior, talk to them suasively, leave them alone in bed and tap them (like a doctor would tap a patient – lightly), if they open out to you, do not seek an excuse for blaming them. Surely God is sublime and great.”

Meaning of the Words

For the three words fa’izu, wahjaru, and wadribu in the original, translated here ‘talk to them suasively,’ ‘leave them alone (in bed – fi’l-madage’),’ and tap lightly (percuss them), respectively,

Fa’izu (to use persuasive speech or admonishment)

Fa’izu, implies the first step should be to make clear to them using straight talk, the position they are in and what is required to comply with the teaching of Islam. This approach may be repeated until it is established she has understood and is willing to comply and come back into line with the proper expected of a Muslim woman.

Hajara – Wahjaru (do not touch or molest them)

Hajara, he says, means to separate body from body, and points out that the expression wahjaru hunna metaphorically means to refrain from touching or molesting them. Zamakhshari is more explicit in his Kshshaf when he says, ‘do not get inside their blankets.’

Daraba (tap lightly as ‘percuss’, not to beat)

Daraba lightly tap them (women).’ This view is strengthened by the Prophet’s authentic hadith found in a number of authorities, including Bukhari and Muslim:

“Could any of you beat your wife as he would a slave, and then lie with her in the evening?”

There are other traditions in Abu Da’ud, Nasa’i, Ibn Majah, Ahmad bin Hanbal and others, to the effect that he forbade the beating of any woman, saying:

“Never beat God’s handmaidens.”

Source:Al-Quran: a contemporary translation by Ahmed Ali, Princeton University Press, 1988; pp78-79

In the past, some translators of this verse have mistakeningly used the word “beat” to represent the word “dhaaraba” in Arabic. This is not the opinion of all scholars and those who are well grounded in both Islam understanding and the English language.

Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend from their means (to support the women). Therefore the righteous women are devout and guard in the husband’s absence what Allah orders them to guard (e.g. their chastity, their husband’s property, etc.). As to those women on whose part you see ill-conduct, admonish them (first), (next), refuse to share their beds, go back to them (in intimacy), if they return to obedience and do not seek any means of annoyance against them. Certainly, Allah is Most High, Most Great. [Noble Quran 4:34]

Other translators have offered words such as, “tap” and “pat” to represent a physical type of admonisment. While definitely coming closer to what might be acceptable in many circles than such expressions as “hit” or “beat”, this still does not properly demonstrate the position and usage of such terms in relation to the first of the verse and the connection to the following passage, wherein the clear instructions deal with the women who do not come into compliance. Therefore, it likely be considered to mean: “tap lightly as a doctor would examine a patient”.

We understand from this some of the translations are not properly representing the spirit of the meaning. Therefore, they cannot be considered to be the representation of what has been intended by Almighty God.

Now we can properly understand that Almighty God has commanded the men to provide for the women and allow them to keep all of their wealth, inheritance and income without demanding anything from them for support and maintenance. Additionally, if she should be guilty of lewd or indecent conduct, the husband is told to first, admonish her and then she should cease this lewdness. However, if she should continue in this indecency, then he should no longer share the bed with her, and this would continue for a period of time. Finally, if she would repent then he would take up sharing the bed with her again.

Dr. Jamal Badawi (St. Mary’s University, Nova Scotia) is of the opinion these (three stages) are necessary steps prior to divorce. Instead of a man saying, “I divorce you” three times in a row, he should follow this procedure before acting hastily and thereby doing something unwise and displeasing to Allah.

The first step would be as mentioned above, to give her a “good talking to” and then if she continued in such unpleasing behavior, to leave the bed (not have intercourse with her) for a period of time and then finally, the last straw would be to “pat” her on the arm (as you would stroke a sheep or animal) to signify to her this is the final straw and then if she still persisted in her bad way, he could divorce her.

Regardless of the various positions and opinions, there is no permission established through the teachings of the Quran or the Sunnah (way) of Muhammad, peace be upon him, wherein one person could “beat” another person at their own discretion.

Any translations of the Quran indicating women can be beaten or abused by men is totally out of touch with the message of Islam from the rest of the Quran and the teachings of Muhammad, peace be upon him.

And Allah is All Knowing of the meanings of His ayahs (verses in Quran).

Night Prayer in Unison - Hadith

Abu Hurayrah reported that the Messenger of Allah (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) said:

“May Allah have mercy on a man who wakes up at night, prays, and wakes his wife to pray; and if she refuses, he sprinkles water on her face. And may Allah have mercy on a woman who wakes up at night, prays, and wakes her husband to pray; and if he refuses, she sprinkles water on his face.”

[Abu Dawood and it is Sahih]

Jelousy

Anas said:

"The Prophet, sall'Allaahu alaihi wa salam, was with one of the Mothers of the Believers when another one sent a wooden bowl in which was some food. She struck the hand of the Prophet and the bowl fell and broke. The Prophet picked up the two pieces and put them together, then he started to gather up the food and said: "Your mother got jealous; eat." So they ate. He waited until she brought the wooden bowl that was in her house, then he gave the sound bowl to the messenger and left the broken bowl in the house of the one who had broken it."

(Sahih)

COMMENTS from this narration we learn patience with wives. Imagine a man today whose wife smacked his hand causing him to drop something that belonged to someone else. How would the average person behave in such a case? Also, it demonstrates justice, since he, sall'Allaahu alaihi wa salam, took one of her bowls to replace the broken one. Lastly, no man can hope for a wife equal to 'AAishah, radhi Allaahu anha, and she was a woman. So take note.

It was narrated that 'Aaishah, radhi Allaahu anha, said:

"I never saw any woman who made food like Safiyyah. She sent a dish to the Prophet, sall'Allaahu alaihi wa salam, in which was some food, and I could not keep myself from breaking it. I asked the Prophet, sall'Allaahu alaihi wa salam, what the expiation was for that, and he saidL "A dish like that dish, and food like that food."

(Hasan)

Blessing of Intimacy - Imam al-Ghazali

Another post from www.LikeAGarment.com series by Shaykh Yasir Qadhi.

Imam al-Ghazali (d. 505) mentions in his famous work The Revival of the Religious Sciences that scholars have mentioned many blessings of intimacy, such as protecting one's chastity and increasing one's progeny. But he also mentions a blessing that might surprise many Muslims. One of the blessings of intimacy that our scholars have mentioned, al-Ghazali says, is to experience some of the pleasures of the afterlife. He continues:

"And I swear, what they have said is absolutely true! For indeed, in this pleasure [of sex] - a pleasure that cannot be compared to any other pleasure - if only it were to persist, it would indeed be a sign or signal for those pleasures of the next life that have been promised to us. To entice someone regarding a pleasure that he has never experienced is of no use! If an impotent man were to be enticed with sex, or a young child with power, there would be no temptation. Therefore, one of the blessings of the sexual experience and pleasure in this world is the hope of its perpetual existence in the next, so that this can be used as a motivation for the worship of Allah.

Marvel, therefore, at the wisdom of Allah, and His Mercy, for look at how He has placed in one desire two lives: an external life, and an internal life. So the external life is the preservation of a man through his progeny and children. And the internal life is the life of the next world. For the pleasure of sex is diminished in this world because it must remain temporary, and is swiftly terminated, but by experiencing it, one's desire to have such a pleasure remain everlasting becomes firm, and this encourages one to persist in deeds of worship that would allow him to experience such pleasures."

What is a Husband?

Guidelines for the Husband in Interacting with his Wife
Author: Dr. Marwwan Al-Qaisee

The family is that brick which forms the foundation of a society. It is composed of individuals that have permanent relations established between them. Most importantly, it possesses almost a majority of the different kinds of personal relations. Because of this, there must be certain etiquettes placed in order to control and regulate these relations. This is such that it can be maintained in the best possible manner, and so that it can generate and produce its proper fruits. Family relations consist of the relationship between the spouses from one perspective, the relationship between the parents and the children from a second perspective, and the relationship between the children themselves from a third perspective.

Etiquettes of the husband:

It is not from the deficiencies, but rather from good manners, that the husband shares in the responsibility of specified matters, such as the mending of garments or what is similar to that.

It is appropriate for a man to not restrict himself from serving himself. This is since the wife takes care of the household affairs. So therefore, it is from good manners that the husband extend a helping hand to his wife in the house, during times of necessity, such as when she is sick, pregnant, has given birth or similar to that.

The exemplary husband is he who cooperates with his wife by bearing good relations and showing kind manners (to her), according to the full extent of the meaning contained in these (last) two expressions. Truly, the husbands who are best at working alongside their wives are the best of mankind in the view of Islaam. This good way of living between the spouses must be deeply imbedded into the daily marital life, even at the time of divorce.

Beware of characterizing the relationship between the spouses with over-seriousness! For indeed characterizing the family life with a militaristic nature amounts to one of the causes for failure and bad results.

From the kind and noble manners of the husband is that he complies and assents to the requests of his wife, so long as they are not forbidden in the Religion. And being luxurious in food, drink and clothing is at the entrance of matters forbidden in the Religion.

The husband should specify a time in which he can play around and pass free time with his wife.

The relationship between the spouses must contain one singular and specific nature. And it cannot be this way unless the couple begins demolishing all the obstacles and impediments that stand between them. For example, the husband should not feel timid and restrain himself from drinking out of the same cup that his wife drinks out of.

There is no human being that is perfect. So there is no doubt that the husband will see things in his wife that does not comply with his natural disposition and preferences. If these aspects are not in opposition to the fundaments of the Religion or to the obedience of the husband and his rights, then at that point, he should not try to change her personality so that it complies with his natural preference.

And he must always remember that for each member of the couple, there will be an aspect of ones personality that conflicts with the others personality. And he should also remember that if there are some characteristics that he doesn't find pleasing in his wife, then indeed she has other characteristics, which will definitely be pleasing to him.

Do not let Ramadaan be a barrier that impedes you from showing affection to your wife, such as by kissing her. But this is so long as you are able to refrain yourself, since what is forbidden during the days of Ramadaan is only sexual intercourse.

Do not chase after the errors of your wife and recount them to her, for too much blaming and reprimanding will worsen the relationship between the two of you, and it will pose a threat to your marital life. So overlook your wife's easy ability to make mistakes, and make her falling into them seem like something small.

If you are able, do not hold back from providing your wife with good clothing and food, and from being generous in spending money on her. This is of course according to the extent of your ability.

Do not give little importance to implementing the punishment required for any acts in opposition to the Religion, which your wife has committed, whether it is in the home or outside it. This should be the main reason that causes you to become angry, thus no other reason should affect you (besides this one).

What has been stated previously does not mean that you should leave matters alone until that result comes to happen. Thus, whenever you realize that a matter is left alone, weigh it with seriousness and determination, without being too harsh or rude about it.

The woman is the head of the household, the one responsible for it. So do not attempt to meddle into affairs that do not fall into your area of duties and responsibilities, such as the food and the order of the house.

Beware of scolding your wife or blaming her for a mistake she committed, in the presence of others, even if they are your own children. For indeed that is an act that goes against correct behavior and it will lead to raising anger in the hearts of people.

If you are forced to place punishment upon your wife, then let it be by staying away from her at bedtime. And do not boycott her except that it is done within the household. And avoid using foul language, insulting her, beating her and describing her with repulsive names. For these matters do not befit an exemplary husband.

Having jealousy and caring about the modesty of your wife is a praiseworthy thing, which shows your love for her. However it is on the condition that you do not go to great extremes in this jealousy. For then at that point, it would turn into something worthy of no praise.

When entering the house, do not alarm your family by entering upon them suddenly. Rather, enter while they are aware of it, and greet them with Salaam. And ask about them and how they are doing. And do not forget to remember Allaah, the Mighty and Sublime, when you enter the house.

Beware of spreading any secrets connected with the intimate encounters you have with your wife, for that is something restricted and forbidden.

Constantly maintain the cleaning of your mouth and the freshening of your breath.

Guardianship of your wife doesn't mean that you can exploit what Allaah has bestowed upon you from taking charge of her, such that you harm and oppress her.

Showing respect and kindness to your wife's family is showing respect and kindness to her. And this applies even after her death, on the condition that it is not accompanied by an act forbidden in the Religion, such as intermingling of the sexes or being in privacy (with them).

Too much joking will lead to (your family having) little fear (of disobeying you) and a lack of respect for you. So do not joke too much with your wife.

Be considerate that fulfilling the conditions which you promised to your wife during the pre-marriage agreement is a matter possessing the highest of importance and priority. So do not neglect that after getting married.

When you lecture your wife or reprimand her or simply speak to her, choose the kindest and nicest of words and expressions for your speech. And do not reprimand her in front of others or in front of your children.

It is not proper for you to ask your wife to look for work outside of the house or to spend upon you from her wealth.

Do not overburden your wife with acts that she is not able to handle. Consider, with extreme regard, the environment she was raised up in. Rural service is not like urban service, and the service of a strong woman and her preparation for it is not like the service of a weak woman.

There is nothing in the obligation of a woman's service to her husband that negates his assisting her in that regard, if he should find the free time. Rather, this is from the good manners of living between the spouses

A Wife

A Wife

By getting married you are not just getting a wife, you are getting your whole world. From now until the rest of your days your wife will be your partner, your companion, and your best friend.

She will share your moments, your days, and your years. She will share your joys and sorrows, your successes and failures, your dreams and your fears. When you are ill, she will take the best care of you; when you need help, she will do all she can for you; when you have a secret, she will keep it; when you need advice, she will give you the best advice. She will always be with you: when you wake up in the morning the first thing your eyes will see will be hers; during the day, she will be with you, if for some time she is not with you by her physical body, she will be thinking of you, praying for you with all her heart, mind, and soul; when you go to sleep at night, the last thing your eyes will see will be her; and when you are asleep you will still see her in your dreams. In short, she will be your whole world and you will be her whole world.

The best description that I personally have ever read describing the closeness of the spouses to each other is the Qur'anic verse which says:

"They are your garments and you are their garments."

(Surah Al Baqarah 2:187).

Indeed, spouses are like garments to each other because they provide one another with the protection, the comfort, the cover, the support, and the adornment that garments provide to humans. Just imagine a journey in the winter of Alaska without garments! Our spouses provide us with the same level of comfort, protection, cover, and support in the journey of our lives on this earth as garments would do in the Alaskan journey.

The relationship between the spouses is the most amazing of all human relations: the amount of love and affection, intimacy and closeness, mercy and compassion, peace and tranquillity that fills the hearts of the spouses is simply inexplicable. The only rational explanation for these most amazing of all human feelings is that: it is an act of Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala,

"And Allah has made for you Mates (and Companions of your own nature ..."

Surah Al Nahl 16:72)

Only our Almighty Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala in His Infinite Power, Boundless Mercy, and Great Wisdom can create and ingrain these amazing and blessed feelings in the hearts of the spouses. In fact Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala is reminding those who search for His signs in the universe that these feelings in the hearts of the spouses are among the signs that should guide humans to His existence as He says in the Qur'an,

"And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves that you may dwell in tranquillity with them and He has put love and mercy between your hearts: verily in that are signs for those who reflect."

(Surah Al Rum 30:21)

But Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala knows that the human heart is not a static entity, it is sometimes weak and at times dynamic. Feelings can and do change with time. Love may wither and fade away. The marital bond might weaken if not properly cared for. Happiness in marriage cannot be taken for granted; continuous happiness requires constant giving from both sides. For the tree of marital love to remain alive and keep growing, the soil has to be sustained, maintained, watered and nurtured.

Remember that our Prophet Muhammad Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam had found the time to go out to the desert and race with his wife Aisha. She outran him but later after she had gained some weight, he outran her. Remember that the Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam took his wife to watch the young Ethiopians playing and dancing their folk dances. The show of emotions is necessary to keep the marital bond away from rusting and disintegrating. Remember that you will be rewarded by Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala for any emotions you show to your wife as the Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam said "One would be rewarded for anything that he does seeking the pleasure of Allah even the food that he puts in the mouth of his wife"

Never underestimate the importance of seemingly little things as putting food in your wife's mouth, opening the car door for her, etc. Remember that the Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam used to extend his knee to his wife to assist her up to ride the camel.

Try to always find some time for both of you to pray together. Strengthening the bond between you and Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala is the best guarantee that your own marital bond would always remain strong. Having peace with Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala will always result in having more peace at home.

Remember that the Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam gave glad tidings for those couples who wake up at night to pray together. The Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam even urged the spouse who rises up first to wake the other spouse up, even by splashing cold water on his/her face.

Always try your best to be good to your wife by words and by deeds. Talk to her, smile to her, seek her advice, ask for her opinion, spend quality time with her and always remember that the Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam said,

"The best of you are those who are best to their wives"

Finally, it is common that spouses vow to love and honor their spouses until death do them part. I do believe that this vow is good or even great, but not enough! It is not enough that you love your wife. You have to love what she loves as well. Her family, her loved ones must also become your loved ones. Don't be like my colleague who was unhappy about his wife's parents coming to visit for few weeks. He candidly said to her "I don't like your parents." Naturally she angrily looked at him straight in the eye and said, "I don't like yours either." Also, it is not enough that you love her until death do you part. Love should never end and we do believe there is life after death where those who did righteousness in this world will be joined by their spouses (Surah Al Zukhruf 43:70) and offsprings.

The best example in this regard is the Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam whose love for Khadija, his wife of 25 years, extended to include all those she loved; this love of his continued even after her death. It was many years after her death and he never forgot her and whenever a goat was slaughtered in his house he would send portions of it to Khadija's family and friends and whenever he felt that the visitor at the door might be Khadija's sister Hala, he would pray saying, "O Allah let it be Hala."

[Source; Email Distribution, just so I don't lose this, I have posted this on the blogg)

Conjugal Happiness through Marriage

More from the excellent www.LikeAGarment.com Project initiated by Shaykh Yasir Qadhi.

There are many other traditions that state the importance of finding conjugal happiness within the folds of marriage. The Prophet salla Allahu 'alayhi wa sallam himself said,

"From this world, women and perfume have been made beloved to me, but the coolness of my eyes comes from prayer"

[al-Bukhari].

In one hadith we learn,

"This whole world is an enjoyment, and its best enjoyment is a righteous wife"

[Muslim].

Another hadith states

"I advise you to marry young women, for they have sweeter lips...and are more passionate in their embrace"

[Reported by Ibn Majah, al-Tabarani, and others, and it is hasan].

And finally, we are advised in the traditions,

"If one of you approaches his wife, and then wishes to repeat, let him do wudhu, for it will make the recurrence more energetic"

[Abu Dawud].

Benefits:

In all of these hadiths, we see once again the clear encouragement to engage in passionate and fulfilling intimate relations with one's spouse.
Even the blessed Prophet salla Allahu 'alayhi wa sallam found comfort in his wives, but the comfort that prayer and turning to Allah gave him was obviously the most sweet and pure.

In another hadith, the Companion is told that a woman of his age would be better because her passion would be more. Better kissing is explicitly mentioned, and more passionate sex is hinted at.

A righteous wife (and, by analogy, a good husband) is the best enjoyment of this world. Pure, halal, encouraged enjoyment.

The frank advice given in the last tradition makes it crystal clear that we should aim to have passionate sex lives. No less a figure than our beloved Prophet informed us of ways to increase that passion. Washing oneself after a first act invigorates the body and rejuvenates the soul, and thus helps in repeating the act again.
In this last tradition, one method of increasing passion is mentioned. This shows that other methods may also be studied and taught.

Notice that while the message is crystal clear in each and every one of these traditions, never is the wording vulgar, nor is the language crude. Similarly, we should be frank in our teachings, but there is no need to employ unbefitting language.

Intimacy in the Quran‏

This is from an extract from the www.LikeAGarment.com by Yasir Qadhi.

The Quran frequently references sexual activity. In dozens of verses, Allah mentions the process of creation. In one verse, the Quran says: "Let man see what he has been created from. He has been created from a liquid that is spurt out (i.e., ejaculated), which proceeded from between the backbones and the ribs" [Surah al-Tariq; 5-7]. Many commentators stated that the reference to '...between the backbones and ribs' is to a common sexual position, and the backbone is that of the man and the ribs that of the women.

And Allah says,

"Your women are your field, so come to them as and when you please"

[Surah al-Baqara; 223]

Ata (d. 103 AH), the famous Successor, said that whenever he would recite the Quran to Ibn Abbas, Ibn Abbas would never interrupt him, but rather listen intently (to ensure correct recitation). However, when he recited this verse, Ibn Abbas stopped him and said,

"Do you know why this verse was revealed? Some Jews of Madinah used to believe that if a man approached a woman from her back (one version adds: while she was kneeling), the child would be born deformed. So Allah revealed this verse, allowing men to approach their wives in any position."

Similarly, in the famous hadith regarding the prohibition of anal intercourse, the Prophet salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam said,

"Allah is not embarrassed at the truth: approach her (i.e., your wife) from her front or from her back, but avoid the anus"

[Abu Dawud].

Benefit:

The Quran and Sunnah, being the divine code of guidance that they are, mention the issue of various sexual positions, but do so without going into unnecessary details and unbefitting descriptions. Enough is said to get the point across, and other details are left to the couple's experience and imagination. Similarly, the standard books of tafseer, hadith explanations, and fiqh works do not take on the role of sex manuals, but rather mention enough to explain what is and what is not permissible.

In the verse that Ibn Abbas explained, Allah revealed it in response to an awkward situation regarding the permissibility of a particular position. One of the spouses refused to engage in intimacy in this position, believing that it was impermissible, and that it would be harmful if it resulted in pregnancy. At this, Allah revealed a beautiful simile: the conjugal act is similar to a farmer planting seeds in a field. The farmer has many options in how he plants those seeds, and is not restricted to any one manner. Similarly, the Prophet salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam clarified that as long as intimacy occurred in the right place, the Shariah did not dictate or restrict how intimacy occurred.

Mahr (Dower): Concept & Rulings

Question and Answer Details from http://www.islamonline.net/servlet/Satellite?pagename=IslamOnline-English-Ask_Scholar/FatwaE/FatwaE&cid=1119503543426

Here is the detail of the Question on Mahr (Dowry)

Name of Questioner
Adnan - United States

Title: Mahr (Dower): Concept & Rulings

Question
I would like to know what is the concept of mahr in Islam? What should be the mahr for someone living in California, USA? I am getting married soon and my in-laws would like the mahr to be set according to the Shari`ah.

Date 11/Jul/2003

Name of Counsellor :Muzammil Siddiqi

Topic: Marriage


Answer

In the Name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.

All praise and thanks are due to Allah, and peace and blessings be upon His Messenger.

Dear brother in Islam, we commend your keenness on getting your self well-acquainted with Islam and its teachings, which is the way Allah has chosen for the welfare of His servants.

In Islam, the mahr (dower) is a woman's right and that signifies a husband's love and appreciation for his wife. There is no fixed amount of mahr in the Shari`ah. It should be given according to the financial status of the husband and according to the time and place. However, it should be reasonable and not too expensive.

The bride's guardian and family should focus on the religious commitment and character of the suitor rather than asking for huge amounts of dower which burdens the youths who want to get married and protect themselves against temptations. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) never demanded huge amounts of dower when giving his daughters in marriage. He is also reported to have said,

"The best woman is the one whose mahr is the easiest to pay."

Reported by al-Haythami)

Answering the questions you raised, Dr. Muzammil H. Siddiqi, former President of the Islamic Society of North America, states:

“Mahr is a wife's right, which becomes binding upon the husband once the marriage is contracted. It is fully payable after the consummation of marriage but if divorce occurs before the consummation of marriage then half of the Mahr is required to be paid unless the wife or her guardians waive it. Allah says: “And give unto the women, (whom ye marry) free gift of their marriage portions…”

(An-Nisa’: 4)

He Almighty also says:

“And those of whom ye seek content (by marrying them), give unto them their portions as a duty…”

(An-Nisa': 24)

Mahr is very important in Islamic marriage. Allah has used the word "faridah" for it. It means something fixed, decided and obligatory. It is obligatory on the husband to pay mahr to his wife unless she expressly by her own will without any pressure forgives him or returns the amount of mahr to him. Mahr belongs to the wife and it is to be given to her only. It is not the property of her parents or her guardian. No one can forgive the husband to pay the Mahr except the wife herself or, in case she did not go to her husband and the marriage ended without consummation, then in that situation her guardian can also forgive the mahr on her behalf. If a husband dies without paying mahr to his wife, it will be an outstanding debt on him and it must be paid before the distribution of his inheritance among his heirs.

Mahr is not a bride price. It is a woman's right and it signifies a husband's love and appreciation for his wife. In the Qur'an it is called "sadaqah" which means a token of friendship. It is also called "nihlah" which means "a nice gift or present." Mahr also signifies a husband's commitment to take care of his wife's financial needs (nafaqah).

People often make part of mahr advanced (mu`ajjal) and part of it deferred (mu'akkhar or mu'ajjal). The advanced mahr should be paid at the time of Nikah while the postponed should be paid later. The wife has a right to demand it from her husband; it’s her right. A wife should also not feel threatened that her husband may leave her if he pays her all her mahr. "All these notions belong to various cultures but they have nothing to do with the Shari`ah.

According to the Shari`ah, the mahr should also be reasonable. There is no fixed amount of mahr in the Shari`ah. It should be given according to the financial status of the husband and according to the time and place.

However, it is a principle of the Shari`ah that the mahr should not be too expensive. It is wrong to declare large amount of mahr at the time of marriage to show off or to boast. Some time bride's family put pressure on the groom and his family for a large amount of mahr so that they may show their pride to their relatives and friends boasting that their daughter was married for a big mahr. Sometimes the groom declares a big amount and secretly thinks that this is just a commitment on paper. People are often heard saying, "Write whatever you want, no one asks and no one pays." This is playing a game with the rules of Allah. Muslims should only commit to what they are really capable of paying and what they intend to pay. It is haram to enjoy relations with a wife and then deny her the mahr when she demands.”

May Allah guide you to the straight path and direct you to that which pleases Him, Ameen.


Allah Almighty knows best.

Like a Garement - Hadith of Jabir and Benefits

This is a great initiative "Like a Garment" recently set up by Shaykh Yasir Qadhi, as noted on the website:http://www.likeagarment.com/

"The topic of marital relations is one that many people of knowledge feel highly uncomfortable talking about. For some reason, it has taken on a taboo status, despite the fact that desires of intimacy are completely natural and God-given, and good marital relations are an integral part of any healthy marriage! The Shariah, being the complete Law that it is, governs this area of life in as much detail as it does other areas, yet a stigma still remains amongst us when it comes to discussing this subject in public"

I agree totally with this statement on site, this topic has been such a taboo subject event growing up, there is much more harm than good not speaking about this especially as teenagers become adolescents and into adulthood.

The first series of emails by the Shaykh (May Allah be please with him) have been on the Famous Hadith of Jabir, I have laid out below parts 1 to 4.

HADITH OF JABIR

Jabir b. Abdillah was the son of a famous warrior, Abdullah b. Haram. Jabir was from the Ansar, and accepted Islam as a young boy. He was blessed to participate in the Treaty of Aqaba, and lived an extremely long life. Because of this, Jabir became one of the most profuse narrators of hadith, earning his name in the top five companions in terms of quantity of hadith narrated.

Jabir married young - he was probably seventeen when he got married. His marriage occurred shortly after his father died a martyr in the Battle of Uhud. His story is mentioned in most books of hadith, including the two Sahihs:

Jabir b. Abdillah reported that once he was on an expedition with the Prophet salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam, and when they were close to the city of Madinah, he sped on his mount. The Prophet salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam asked him why he was in such a hurry to return home. Jabir replied, "I am recently married!" The Prophet salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam asked, "To an older lady or a younger one?" [the Arabic could also read: "To a widow or a virgin?"], to which he replied, "A widow." The Prophet salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam said, "But why didn't you marry a younger girl, so that you could play with her, and she could play with you, and you could make her laugh, and she could make you laugh?" He said, "O Messenger of Allah! My father died a martyr at Uhud, leaving behind daughters, so I did not wish to marry a young girl like them, but rather an older one who could take care of them and look after them." The Prophet salla Allahu alayhi wa salam replied, "You have made the correct choice..."

[Continued in Part 2 see below]

This is part of a much larger hadith, known as the 'hadith of Jabir'. It is a hadith full of benefits, and in fact separate treatises have been written by our scholars just on this one hadith. Some of the benefits we can derive from the portion cited above include:

The frankness of the Prophet's salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam question. He is encouraging Jabir to find a playful wife, and wants the both of them to enjoy each other. This clearly shows that it is one of the primary goals of a marriage that each party find satisfaction in the other.

The connotation of being sexually playful is clearly implied, without any direct reference. From this, and many other references, we see that the Quran and Sunnah are frank about sexuality, but never vulgar. This should be our attitude and tone as well.

The Prophet salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam clearly mentioned that both parties should be satisfied with each other. In many Muslim cultures, women's sexuality is sidelined or even suppressed (through such barbaric practices as FGM - female genital mutilation). Women's sexuality is no less important than men's, and it is essential that a woman also be given her due right.

Part Two:

In our last e-mail, we mentioned the famous hadith of Jabir b. Abdillah, in which the Prophet salla Allahu 'alayhi wa sallam asked Jabir if he had married a young girl,

"...so that you can play with her and she can play with you, and you could make her laugh, and she could make you laugh."

The famous commentator of Sahih al-Bukhari, al-Hafidh Ibn Hajr, mentioned that this hadith also occurs with other wordings as well. In one authentic version, the hadith states, after Jabir mentioned that he had married an older lady,

"Why did you turn away from a young girl and her saliva?"

Benefits:

Once again, we are struck with the frankness of the prophetic words. Clearly, the words 'playfulness' and 'laughter' indicate that what is being encouraged is the couple's romance, foreplay, and generally 'having fun' with one other. It would do us well to contrast this straightforwardness of our Prophet with the ultra-reserved Muslim culture that we find around us, where 'love' and 'romance' are considered filthy words that should never be uttered in public!

This understanding is further reinforced by examining the life of our Prophet salla Allahu ' alayhi wa sallam. In every sense of the term, he was a loving, caring, gentle, and compassionate husband to his wives. It is even correct and proper to say that he was romantic with his wives in the most ideal and noble of ways. Some of these hadiths will be mentioned in our future correspondence.

The variant wording that occurs (which mentions the saliva of a young girl) is explained by Ibn Hajr and al-Qurtubi as a reference to kissing the lips and licking the tongue. In other words, what is being referenced is passionate kissing - the perfect foreplay!

The Islamic attitude towards sex is completely at odds with those of many Christian thinkers. St. Augustine (d. 430), who is perhaps the single most influential theologian of early Christianity, viewed sexual desire as something foul to be guilty and ashamed of. His writings had a profound impact on all future Christian notions of sex (and were also used to justify the prohibition of priests getting married).

That is why, to this day, even many non-religious Christians are baffled by Islam's attitude towards sex. It is mainly due to such notions that Islam has been viewed by many Westerners as being a 'licentious' religion. Such hadiths like this one of Jabir are mocked and ridiculed (one website comments, "How can a prophet of God command his followers to enjoy their wives?"). This shock stems from the basic Augustinian notion of sex being inherently evil. We must be aware of these psychological underpinnings when discussing Islam with others. For us as Muslims, sexual desire in and of itself is never associated with evil; it is only the misuse and abuse of such desire that is evil. Rather, sex is quite clearly implied in the Quran as being a blessing from Allah, to be thoroughly enjoyed between spouses. We'll mention some of these verses in our future correspondence.

Part 3:

We are still discussing the famous hadith of Jabir, in which the Prophet salla Allahu 'alayhi wa sallam encouraged Jabir to marry a young girl of his age so that the two of them could make each other happy. In today's e-mail, we shall mention the final phrase of this hadith that is relevant to us, which is:

Jabir said, "So when we were about to enter the city, the Prophet salla Allahu 'alayhi wa sallam said to me,

'Slow down, and enter at night, so that she who has not combed may comb her hair, and she who has not shaved may shave her private area.' Then he said to me, 'When you enter upon her, then be wise and gentle.'"

[Reported by al-Bukhari and Muslim].

Benefits:

The Prophet salla Allahu 'alayhi wa sallam did not want Jabir to surprise his wife. At a time when there were no cell phones or other means of informing the family when a traveler would return, the Prophet salla Allahu 'alayhi wa sallam would send a crier into the city, announcing that the caravan was returning. Hence, he told Jabir to wait for this crier before proceeding into the city.

We learn that spouses should physically beautify themselves for one another. Combing the hair is but one way to beautify; anything that increases the beauty and handsomeness of one spouse in front of the other is something to be encouraged. The Prophet salla Allahu 'alayhi wa sallam told the impatient Jabir that it was better for him to delay his arrival in order that his wife prepare herself for him.

The explicit command to shave the pubes is an amazing phrase! We all know that a part of our Islamic tradition is that one must shave one's pubes; in this hadith, this command is put in the context of the sexual act. In other words, the husband is told to be patient so that his wife may beautify her private area in order to increase the aesthetic pleasure and gratification of sex. A husband and wife should make sure that even around their private areas, they look attractive to each other!

Again and again, we see the frankness of the prophetic traditions, and the encouragement to enjoy intimacy in marriage. Contrast this to the ultra-conservative attitudes predominant in many Muslim cultures. It is as if some Muslims wish to be 'more strict' than the Prophet salla Allahu 'alayhi wa sallam himself!

Part 4:

We are still discussing the famous hadith of Jabir. In our last email, we mentioned the concluding part of the hadith that is relevant to us:

Jabir said,

"So when we were about to enter the city, the Prophet salla Allahu 'alayhi wa sallam said to me, 'Slow down, and enter at night, so that she who has not combed may comb her hair, and she who has not shaved may shave her private area.'

Then he said to me,

'When you enter upon her, then be wise and gentle.'"

[Reported by al-Bukhari and Muslim].

Benefits:

The last phrase of the hadith is translated as '...then be wise and gentle'. The Arabic is 'fa-l-kayyis al-kayyis', which is an emphasis on this word. The word 'kayyis' primarily means wisdom, but it also has the connotation of gentleness. Scholars have understood this phrase to mean that Jabir should approach his wife in a gentle and wise manner.

The fact that the Prophet salla Allahu 'alayhi wa sallam is instructing Jabir what to do at this time shows that he instructed his Ummah even about such personal matters. In one hadith, which deals with the etiquette of the restroom, the Prophet salla Allahu 'alayhi wa sallam said, "I am to you like a father, and I teach you like a father does..." [Reported by Abu Dawud].

Since Jabir did not have any older brothers, and since his father had passed away, the Prophet salla Allahu 'alayhi wa sallam took on this responsibility, and even advised him about sexual conduct. From this, we may extrapolate that people of knowledge should likewise not be shy when it comes to teaching Muslims conjugal etiquette when the need arises.

Imam al-Bukhari, Ibn Khuzayma, and Ibn Hibban all narrated this wording, and they all understood the reference here to be an indirect reference to the act of intimacy. Once again, the wording is frank without being vulgar.

What is meant by 'al-kayyis' is that Jabir should act in a wise manner; he has been gone for some time, and is newly married. Therefore, both parties are missing each other, and it is a sign of wisdom that they gratify themselves and do not delay this unnecessarily. Also, there is a connotation of gentleness as well; Jabir should realize that he is a young man, and therefore he should not act in a manner that might be painful to his wife.

The hadith of Jabir has many other benefits in other areas of fiqh. However, for our purposes, this is the last of our installments regarding this beautiful hadith and how we can benefit from it in the context of Islamic sexuality.

Why Dont You Marry? Its a form of Ebadat

First Part:

Deen & Culture: Conflict or Compromise? 1/2 from Hikmah on Vimeo.

Second Part:

Deen & Culture: Conflict or Compromise? 2/2 from Hikmah on Vimeo.

Good Marriage Nasiha Sites

Two really good websites for Marriage Advice for All Muslims.

This first one is a Media Player based One - Mainly videos by Mufti Muhammad ibn Adam al-Kawthari, who is a reknowned speaker in respect to Islam and Marriage in the west.

http://www.hikmah.co.uk/

The second website has many good Q&As on various Islamic Sciences. There is a good section on Nikah (Marriage) Q&As, Alhamdulillah.

http://www.daruliftaa.com/

Pointers on Choosing Marriage Partners

Pointers on Choosing Marriage Partners - By Rabi'ah Hakeem

In light of the experience of the past years, it is time to take stock
and try to halt the ever-mounting tide of divorces among Muslims. It
is not unusual today to find Muslim women (and even an occasional
Muslim man) who, by the time they are 30 or 35, have been married
three or four times, their children suffering again and again through
the trauma of fatherless and broken homes. Accordingly, we may list a
few essential points to be considered by both brothers and sisters in
the process of choosing a partner in life (although the masculine
pronoun has been used throughout for the sake of simplicity, the
following is generally equally applicable to both men and women).

1. Du'a.

Unceasingly ask help and guidance from Allah, Most High, in
the matter of finding and choosing a mate. As often as you feel it necessary, pray Salaah al-Istikhara, Islam's special prayer for guidance, in order to reach a suitable decision.

2. Consult your heart.

Listen to what your inner voice, the 'radar' which Allah has given you to guide you, tells you about the prospective partner. It is likely to be more correct than your mind, which often plays tricks and can rationalise almost any- thing. For many people, first impressions are often the most accurate.

3. Enquire.

Find out the reason why this man wants to marry you. Is he
interested in you as an individual or will just any person do? Why is he not doing the logical thing, that is, to marry someone from his culture? If there is evidence that the primary reason for this marriage, despite claims to the contrary, is for convenience (greencard, money, property, etc.), forget it. This spells trouble.

4. Get to know your prospective partner, within the limits of what is permissible in Islam, before deciding on marriage.

Just ' seeing' someone once or twice in the company of others, who may be anxious for this marriage to take place, is simply not enough under today's conditions, where two per- sons of totally dis-similar backgrounds are meeting each other without the safeguards of families. Without violating Islam's prohibition about being alone, try to understand his
nature, what makes him tick, his temperament, what he might be like to live with.

5. Talk to several people who know your prospective partner, not just one, or have someone whom you can trust do this for you.

Ask about him from various people, not just from his friends because they may conceal facts to do him a favour. And ask not only about his background, career, Islamicity, etc., but about such crucial matters as whether he gets angry easily; what he does when he is 'mad'; whether he is patient, polite, considerate; how he gets along with people; how he relates to the opposite sex; what sort of relationship he has with his mother and father; whether he is fond of children; what his personal habits are, etc

. And find out about his plans for the future from people who know him.

Do they coincide with what he has told you? Go into as much detail as possible. Check out his plans for the future - where you will live and what your lifestyle will be, his attitudes toward money and possessions and the like.

If you can't get answers to such crucial questions from people who know him, ask him yourself and try to make sure he is not just saying what he knows you want to hear. Too many people will make all kinds of promises before marriages in order to secure the partner they want but afterwards forget that they ever made them, (this naturally applies equally to women as to men).
6. Find out about his family, his relations with his parents, brothers and sisters.

What will his obligations be to them in the future? How will this affect where and under what conditions you will live? What are the character and temperament of each of his parents? Will they live with you or you with them? And are they pleased with his prospective marriage to you or not? Although it may not be the case in most Western marriages, among Muslims such issues are often crucial to
the success or failure of a marriage, and answers to these questions need to be satisfactory to ensure a peaceful married life.

7. Understand each other's expectations. Try to get a sense of your prospective partner's under- standing of the marriage relationship, how he will behave in various situations, and what he wants of you as his spouse.

These are issues which should be discussed clearly and unambiguously as the negotiations progress, not left to become sources of disharmony after the marriage because they were never brought up beforehand. If you are too shy to ask certain questions, have a person you trust do it for you. At an advanced stage of the negotiations,such a discussion should include such matters as birth control, when children are to be expected, how they are to be raised, how he feels about helping with housework and with the children's upbringing, whether or not you may go to school or work, relations with his family and yours, and other vital issues.

8. See him interacting with others in various situations.

The more varied conditions under which you are able to observe your prospective partner, the more clues you will have as to his mode of dealing with people and circumstances.

9. Find out what his understanding of Islam is and whether it is compatible with your own.

This is a very important matter. Is he expecting you to do many things which you have not done up to this point? If he emphasises " Haraams", especially if you are a new Muslimah, and seems unable to tolerate your viewpoint, chances are your marriage will be in trouble unless you are flexible enough to
accommodate yourself to his point of view and possibly a very restrictive lifestyle. Let him spell out to you clearly how he intends to practise Islam and how he wants you to practise it as his wife so there will be no misunderstandings later.

10. Don't be in a hurry. So many marriages have broken because the partners are in such haste that they don't take time to make such vital checks as the ones outlined above and rush into things.

Shocking as it may seem, marriages between Muslims which are contracted and then broken within a week or a month or a year have become common place occurrences among us. Don't add yourself to the list of marriage casualties because you couldn't take time or were too desperate for marriage to find out about or get to know the person with whom you plan to spend the rest of your life.

11. Ask yourself, Do I want this man/woman to be the father/mother of my children? If it doesn't feel just right to you, think it over again.

Remember, marriage is not just for today or tomorrow but for life, and for the primary purpose of building a family. If the person in question doesn't seem like the sort who would make a good parent, you are likely to find yourself struggling to raise your children without any help from him or her - or even with negative input - in
the future.

12. Never allow yourself to be pressured or talked into a marriage.

Your heart must feel good about it, not someone else's. Again, allegations of "Islamicity" - he is pious, has a beard, frequents the Masjid, knows about Islam; she wears Hijab, does not talk to men- are not necessarily guarantees of a good partner for you or of a good marriage, but are only a part of a total picture. If an individual practises the Sunnah only in relation to worship or externals, chances
are he /she has not really understood and is not really living Islam. Possessing the affection and Rahmah (mercy) which Islam enjoins between marriage partners is vital for a successful relationship, and these are the important traits to be looked for in a prospective partner.

13. Never consent to engaging in a marriage for a fixed period or in exchange for a sum of money. (Mut'a marriage).

Such marriages are expressly forbidden in Islam and entering into them is a sinful act, as marriage must be entered into with a clear intention of it being permanent, for life, not for a limited and fixed duration.

If these guidelines are followed, Insha' Allah the chances of making a
mistake which may mar the remainder of your life may be minimised.

Choosing a marriage partner is a most serious matter, perhaps the most
serious decision you will ever make in your life since your partner
can cause you either to be successful or to fail miserably, in the
tests of this life and, consequently, in the Here- after. This
decision needs to be made with utmost care and caution, repeatedly
seeking guidance from your Lord.

If everything checks out favourable, well and good, best wishes for
happiness together here and in the Hereafter. If not, better drop the
matter and wait. Allah your Lord knows all about you, His servant, and
has planned your destiny and your partner for you. Be sure that He
will bring you together when the time is right. As the Qur'an enjoins,
you must be patient until He opens a way for you, and for your part
you should actively explore various marriage leads and possibilities.

Two words addressed to brothers arc In order here.
If you are marrying or have married a recent convert to Islam, you must be very patient and supportive with her.

Remember, Islam is new to her, and chances are that she will not be able to take on the whole of the Shari'ah at once - nor does Islam require this, if you look at the history of early Islam. In your wife 's efforts to conform herself to her new faith and culture, she needs time and a great deal of support, love, help and understanding from you, free of interference from outsiders.

It is best to let her make changes at her own speed when her inner being is ready for them rather than demanding that she do this or that, even if it means that some time will elapse before she is ready to follow certain Islamic injunctions.

If the changes come from within herself, they are likely to be sincere and permanent; otherwise, if she makes changes because of pressure from you or from others, she may always be unhappy with the situation and may look for ways out of it.

You can help her by being consistent in your own behaviour. So many
Muslims apply those parts of the Qur'an or Sunnah which suit them and
abandon the rest, with resulting confusion in the minds of their wives
and children.

Thus, while firmly keeping the reins in your hands,

you should look at your own faults, not hers, and be proud and happy with the efforts she is making. Make allowances, be considerate, and show your appreciation of the difficult task she is carrying out by every possible means.

This will cause her to love and respect you, your culture, and Islam to grow infinitely faster than a harsh, dominating, forceful approach ever could.

Finally, a word of warning. Certain situations have occurred in which
women, posing as Muslims (or perhaps actually having made Shahaadah),
have deceived and made fools of numbers of Muslim men. Such women may
be extremely cunning and devious, operating as poor, lonely
individuals in need of help and/or husbands. The brothers who fall
into this net may be shown false photos, given false information or
promises, cheated in all sorts of ways, and finally robbed of anything
the conniving lady can manage to take from them. As was said, it is
wise to check out any prospective partner with local Muslims who know
her.

Keep your eyes open and take your time. Since marriage is for life,
for eternity, hurrying into it for any reason whatsoever is the act of
a foolish or careless person who has only himself or herself to blame
if things go wrong

The First Two Years: A Marriage Survival Guide

The First Two Years: A Marriage Survival Guide

More Muslim marriages in North America are breaking up in their first year than ever before, according to Shahina Siddiqui, executive director of the Islamic Social Services Association of the United States and Canada (ISSA).The first five to seven years are the most challenging of any marriage. They are a time a couple spends getting to know each other better and adjusting to each other's habits and personalities.Below are some of the main problems couples face in the early years and some possible solutions.

1. Lack of proper information before marriage
A number of problems are caused simply by the fact that the couple and their families have not discussed crucial issues beforehand. Some of these include:

A) whether or not the wife will work outside the home
B) will the couple wait to have children
C) which city and country the couple will live in after marriage
D)will they live with his parents or have their own apartment
These and other relevant issues need to be discussed and decided in the beginning stages of the marriage process.

2. Who's in charge?One of the biggest problems is the tug-of-war between couples over who is in control in the relationship. This has led to a stalemate in disagreements, as well as bitter feelings.Many couples today are refusing to compromise within moderation when differences arise.While from an Islamic perspective, the husband is given the leadership role in the marriage relationship, this does not mean he runs the couple's family life like a dictatorship.It must be remembered that Islamically, a leader is one who serves, manages, provides and nourishes. A leader must also have humbleness and humility.A husband exercises the right kind of leadership by being listening to and consulting (doing Shura) with his wife.Also, a husband is bound to follow the rules of the Quran and Sunnah. So differences in opinion should be referred back to these sources, instead of becoming a source of tension and problems.

3. The divorce option
Once upon a time, "divorce" was the seven-letter word most Muslim couples avoided using. Today, amongst many Muslim couples in North America, it is one of the first recourses turned to when conflicts occur in marriage.It should be remembered that out of all of the things Allah has made Halal, divorce is the one He hates the most. Couples need to look at several other alternatives before turning to this drastic measure.They should seek the help of older, wiser and trustworthy elders who will try to help them resolve their differences. Generally, they need to make a sincere, concerted effort to try to work things out before divorce is seriously considered.

4. Sexual problems
It is unrealistic to expect the issue of sex and sex-related problems to mysteriously disappear once a couple gets married.In the sex-saturated culture of North America (and everywhere else), couples tend to place very high expectations of each other in this area. They also expect instant results.In reality, it takes time, commitment, disappointment and investment to establish a sexual relationship in marriage which is in tune with the needs of each partner.It's important for Muslim couples to walk into marriage with proper information about sex and sexual etiquette from an Islamic perspective. They need to know what is Halal (permissible) and what is Haram (forbidden). They should also keep in mind that spouses must never discuss their sexual relationship with others, unless it is to get help for a specific problem with the right person or authority figure.On a similar note, it's important for both the husband and wife to remember that they need to make themselves physically attractive to each other. Too many couples take marriage to mean an excuse to now let themselves go. The couple or one of the partners may gain too much weight, or may not care about hygiene and their looks in general. The reverse should be true: spouses should take the time out for these things and give them even more attention after marriage. Our beloved Prophet has recommended husband and wife both to do that, May Allah's peace and blessings be upon him.

5. In-laws
The first few years of marriage are not just a period of adjustment for the married couple. It's one of getting used to in-laws and vice-versa.Husbands, wives and in-laws need to practice the Islamic rules of social relations with each other. These include: avoiding sarcasm, backbiting, calling each other by offensive nicknames, and making a special effort to respect each other as family members.As well, comparisons need to be avoided, since every individual and every couple is different. So wives should not be compared to mothers and sisters. Husbands should not be compared to fathers and brothers. In-laws should not be compared to parents, etc.In addition, there should be regular, healthy contact between spouses and in-laws. This can mean visiting each other at least once or twice a month, or calling if distance makes it difficult to get together.

6. Realism
Boy meets girl. They fall in love. They live happily ever after.This is the plot of many a Hollywood and Bollywood movie, where everyone is "perfect". Real life is very different.Couples may enter marriage with high-flying romantic ideas and expecting their partner to be the ideal human. But all humans have good and bad points. Husbands and wives have to learn to accept each other, warts and all.

7. Making a schedule and establishing rituals
Making a schedule may seem like an end to spontaneity but it's not.This allows you to establish your own lifestyle and rituals as a couple. It's especially important if both the husband and wife are going to school and/or working. In this scenario, a schedule helps in setting time aside for each other during a fast-paced week of work and studies.

Some rituals couples can establish may include:
praying at least one prayer together
attending a study circle together once a week
deciding on a weekly menu having a pancake breakfast every Saturday morning setting aside one day on which no work or studying will be done
setting a day when both the husband and wife will clean up the house
setting a time to discuss finances and a budget
making a phone contacting during the day
deciding on a particular day and time once a month at least to visit each other's parents

By discussing and setting up these rituals, couples learn how to talk to and feel responsible for each other. They also learn to become a team instead of two people living in the same with separate lives.

8.Marriage as a restriction
Muslim men who have grown up in North America (and else where) may find marriage restricting. After all, before, they could hang out with their buddies and get home by 11:00 p.m. and no one would say a word. After marriage though, they have to be home by 7:00 p.m if not earlier.While marriage comes with responsibilities and a tighter schedule, the benefits are also there. It takes time and patience to realize that in the end the benefits (i.e. a life partner, kids, etc.) are greater than the restrictions.

9. Friends and Islamic activities
Friends are a joy and a good friend is someone you want to be close to for the rest of your life.But friends are often the source of many marriage conflicts.
Too much time spent with friends, either hanging out or on the phone, means time lost with a husband/wife.
Also, friends, especially if they are of the same age group, may give the wrong advice on marriage, due to their own inexperience in the area.
Some possible solutions to the friends dilemma could be:· working out a "friends time" at least once a week where the husband and the wife meet and/or talk with friends privately · developing friendships with other married couples so spouses can befriend spouses Islamic activities fall in a similar category.
Young Muslim activists may think they can keep attending those three-hour Muslim Students' Association meetings as they did before marriage. Not so.Too much focus on outside Islamic activities takes away from spouse time.
Give Islamic activities their due but within a balance of everyone's rights, including those of your spouse.

Courtship In Islam

This is a topic which we as Muslims in the West have become far too lax upon and thus have now become so far from Our Deen. Make dua we All take lessons from the Qur'an and Sunnah and practical apply this to our daily life Insha'Allah. May Allah swt Forgive Us All for Our Sins and Protect Us from the works of the Shayateen, Aaamin.

Courtship In Islam [Extract from Happy Muslim FaceBook Page; Tuesday, April 6, 2010 at 7:07pm]

The most common questions I get from young people are, "Do Muslims date?" and "If they don't date, how do they decide whom to marry?"

"Dating" as it is currently practiced in much of the world does not exist among Muslims -- where a young man and woman (or boy/girl) are in a one-on-one intimate relationship, spending time together alone, "getting to know each other" in a very deep way before deciding whether that's the person they will marry. Rather, in Islam pre-marital relationships of any kind between members of the opposite sex are forbidden.

The choice of a marriage partner is one of the most important decisions a person will make in his or her lifetime. It should not be taken lightly, nor left to chance or hormones. It should be taken as seriously as any other major decision in life - with prayer, careful investigation, and family involvement.

So in today's world, how do young people manage? First of all, Muslim youth develop very close friendships with their same-sex peers. This "sisterhood" or "brotherhood" that develops when they are young continues throughout their lives. When a young person decides to get married, the following steps often take place:

Young person makes du'a (prayer) for Allah to help him or her find the right person.

The family enquires, discusses, and suggests candidates. They consult with each other to narrow down potential prospects. Usually the father or mother approaches the other family to suggest a meeting.

Couple agrees to meet in chaperoned, group environment. Umar related that the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said,

"Not one of you should meet a woman alone unless she is accompanied by a relative (mahram)."

(Bukhari/Muslim).

The Prophet (peace be upon him) also reportedly said,

"Whenever a man is alone with a woman, Satan (Shaytan) is the third among them."

(Tirmidhi).

When young people are getting to know each other, being alone together is a temptation toward wrongdoing. At all times, Muslims should follow the commands of the Qur'an (24:30-31) to

"lower their gaze and guard their modesty...."

Islam recognizes that we are human and are given to human weakness, so this rule provides safeguards for our own sake.

Family investigates candidate further - talking with friends, family, Islamic leaders, co-workers, etc. to learn about his or her character.

Couple prays salat-l-istikhara (prayer for guidance) to seek Allah's help in making a decision.

Couple agrees to pursue marriage or part ways. Islam has given this freedom of choice to both young men and women - they cannot be forced into a marriage that they don't want.

This type of focused courtship helps ensure the strength of the marriage, by drawing upon family elders' wisdom and guidance in this important life decision. Family involvement in the choice of a marriage partner helps assure that the choice is based not on romantic notions, but rather on a careful, objective evaluation of the compatibility of the couple. That is why these marriages often prove successful.

[By Huda Dodge, About.com Islam guide]

This short cartoon clip explains the pitfuls of lust: